How (Not) to Paint the Floor in a Slanted House
The staples were just the beginning. For once they were pulled, it was time to paint…
On Choosing Colors:
- Why would anyone paint a wood floor brown? Brown is stupid.
- Why would anyone paint a wood floor red? Red is even stupider than brown.
- Unless it a cool, trendy red. China red. Like on Pinterest.
- Could I pull off China red?
- No. My walls are green. My house will look like a freaking Christmas tree.
- What about beige?
- Enough beige, Kat. Grow some balls.
- How about Golden Sand? (Because yeah… that’s a real departure from beige.)
- Oh my God. Why am I so boring?
- What am I doing with my life???
- I will not be defined by the color of my floor.
- I like Golden Sand.
- It reminds me of the beach.
- I don’t actually like the beach all that much.
- Are people going to think I’m trying to look like a surfer?
- Do I look like a surfer?
- No. Definitely not. You have to wear those stupid floral shorts to look like a surfer. I do not own floral shorts.
- But what if this sand-colored paint gets, you know… dirty?
- It won’t get dirty. I’ll just clean it. Like all the time. I am very clean person.
- I mean, I could be a very clean person, theoretically.
- This is kind of fun.
- I’m like Fred Astaire, except with a paint roller.
- I’ll just paint myself to the front door, grab my car keys and head to my parents’ house for the night.
- I am painting genius.
- Also? My painting playlist ROCKS.
- Just a few more strokes and I’m done for the night.
- Did I leave the stove on?
- The stove that is in the kitchen that is across the living room that is covered in WET PAINT???
On Turning Off the Stove
- I’ll just hop.
- I’m a dancer. I can make it to the kitchen in four, maybe five hops. And as long as I hop in a very straight line, I’ll only have to repaint a tiny bit.
- Oh God.
- Oh God Oh GOD OH GOD the floor is slanted!
- I am sliding!!! Backwards!!! What kind of moron buys a house with a slanted floor?
- Okay. I made it to the kitchen. Now I just have to crawl across the coffee table, the dining room table, my desk and the easy chair… all while not actually stepping on anything because my feet are cover in Golden Sand.
- The stove is off. The stove was off this whole f*cking time!
- Now, how the hell do I get back to the front door?
6 Responses to “How (Not) to Paint the Floor in a Slanted House”
Thank you for making me laugh!
You’re quite welcome… Plenty more where this came from I’m afraid 🙂
Too funny! Of course the oven was off!
I know, right?
[…] about the time I almost exploded on a press trip to El Salvador or when I learned, the hard way, how not to paint a slanted hardwood floor instead and come back next […]