The bad thing about dating European men (aside from the obvious fact that their shoes are always nicer than yours) is that they like the World Cup. This goes for South American men as well. And African men, and Asian men too presumably (although I should confess that I haven’t conducted enough research on this last point to know for sure).
Anyway, if you find yourself afflicted with a penchant for “exotic” men as I do, you’re going to have to learn to like the World Cup. And if you don’t like the World Cup, it’s going to be a very boring few weeks.
It’s not that I don’t like the World Cup. It fills me with the same warm fuzzy one-with-the-world feelings that the Olympics do, and it reminds me of being in Europe. Also, because you have to be a man to play in the World Cup, I don’t have to waste time wondering if there’s a way to get in like I do when I watch the Olympics (I’m pretty sure, for example, that at this point luge would be the best bet for a 28-year old non-athlete).
The problem is that I don’t get soccer. At all. Or football. Or basketball. Or tennis. Or anything aside from baseball truth be told. It takes me a good ten minutes to figure out which side of the field each team is aiming for. And don’t even get me started on “off sides” or the whole “brackets” thing. How can you lose and still move on?
Sadly, I’m going to have to figure it out because I’m headed to Schmitz as soon as I finish teaching this afternoon. And I’m meeting a genuine, bone fide European man for a second date. For those of you not in the know like I am (thanks to a strenuous Saturday afternoon spent perusing the FIFA website and noting that the Colombian team does a great little victory dance every time they score), this second date corresponds with the Germany/Algeria game.
This means I have roughly 6 hours to get my act together. After all, if one is going watch a World Cup match, one is going to have to make conversation about said match, and so far this is all I’ve come up with:
Ooh! Who’s that guy with the long hair that plays for Uruguay? He’s really cute! I wonder if all of the players go out dancing after the games. Or would they be too tired?
Why is that one dressed differently? Oh. He’s the goalie. Well, he looks like a pumpkin. Somebody needs to tell him.
The World Cup would be more fun if all the teams did the haka beforehand like they do in rugby.
120 minutes left? But we’ve already been watching for like 2 hours!!! Oh. The clock runs backwards. Well that’s stupid.
My date offered to send me the links to a few “tactics blogs” that he reads but that was back when he thought I actually spoke his native tongue and well… aside from a few simple “good night” texts, I don’t.
So, clearly I need some help. Those of you who watch the World Cup, can you please tell me everything I need to know? I would be eternally grateful.