Running: Some Vingnettes
Let’s talk about marathon runners, shall we? I don’t have anything against them personally, in fact when they’re not busy posting Facebook pictures of their race bibs, I like them. But entire albums of those wrinkly, sweat-stained squares of paper? They’re almost as bad ultrasound photos.
I mean that’s great that you’re into fitness, and that after six or so months of neglecting everyone and everything else in your life you can now the run the same distance that the Greek soldier Pheidippides ran to Athens in 490 B.C….
But you do know that Pheidippides is said to have collapsed and died afterwards, right?
You do know that running that far just isn’t natural?
Also, while we’re on the subject, I’m pretty sure that if poor old Pheidippides had had access to an iPhone like you do, he would have used it. For communication purposes. Not to track his heart rate. And certainly not to post his latest time to Facebook.
I wouldn’t mind marathon runners, you see, if they weren’t so public about their habits.
A while back, when I was
stalking the cute guy who worked at the gym going to yoga regularly, a fellow yogi walked into class and announced, “I got into Broad Street!”
“Broad Street what?” I thought. Broad Street parking garage? Broad Street Coffee Shop? Was there a new nightclub I didn’t know about?
But she wasn’t talking about a parking garage or a swanky new nightclub. She was talking about the Broad Street Run.
Obviously this was the only worthwhile event to ever occur on Broad Street, which is why it’s acceptable to drop the “run” part entirely and just assume that those in the know know.
I recently bought the soundtrack to the film Chef on iTunes. It’s great. So great that I had to text the man I went out with two Sundays ago to tell him all about it.
“It almost makes me want to go running again,” I exclaimed.
“In this heat?”
“Lord no! I don’t want to become one of those crazy people who runs every day, or every week, or every month. It’s tough but I try to restrict myself to 3 or 4 times a year.”
I was a bit worried that he might not appreciate my dedication to mediocre physical fitness so you can imagine my delight when he mentioned “Crossfit” and “annoying” in the same sentence.
“Don’t get me started!” I replied. “I lost of one my favorite guy friends to Crossfit!” (Yes, I’m talking to you, Date #6).
We proceeded to list all the annoying traits of marathon runners. I relayed the story of the girl from my yoga class.
“I bet she has the stickers,” he commiserated. “13.1”
“Wait. 13.1 is a running thing? Like the stickers people put on their cars?”
“Yes, 13.1 is a half marathon.”
I’d always just assumed it was some sort of shorthand biblical reference.
One time I ran three miles.
I know this because my iPod has some sort of Nike tracker thing on it and after I’d run three miles, Tiger Woods came on and offered me his personal congratulations.
It was through my earbuds granted, and pre-recorded, but he sounded very genuine and just knowing Tiger had my back inspired me to run more. I got really excited about the possibility of four miles, and spent my entire cool-down walk back to the house wondering who would congratulate me when I made it to four miles. Would it be Tiger again? Or somebody even better? I struggled to think of someone better (I struggled to think of anyone sporty aside from David Beckham actually, which is why I’ll never be able to go on Jeopardy) but I was pretty sure it would be worth it.
As such, a few weeks ago, I set out for a run. I had the BEST playlist put together: Mackelmore, Pitbull, Don Omar, One Republic and Pharrell of course. (Where would we be without Pharrell?) I had my official running shorts on, my official running sneakers on and my hair in a very athletic-looking ponytail.
Except I got a little too pumped up thanks to the awesomeness of my playlist. So pumped up that I was running way faster than usual. I could feel Tiger telling me to slow down, at least I’m pretty sure that’s what he would have said if he’d actually been there with me, but without his guidance, I couldn’t help myself.
After a mile and a half I got a cramp.
A minute later I was crouched beneath a tree in the shade convinced I was going to throw up or die or both.
I have not been running since.
Then again, it’s summer now, and who runs in the summer?
Marathon runners, that’s who.
Ergo, they are crazy.
20 Responses to “Running: Some Vingnettes”
This is TOO funny! Love it. As I have some guests staying at our VR for the Iron/Eagle man thing, I looked it up to see what it was about, and then saw the price…you could get a cheap cruise cabin for the entry fee! And you wouldn’t have to run…or swim or bike, instead you would be able to sit by the pool with someone running towards you with a drink in their hand.
Excellent point. And even on a cruise, you do have the OPTION of running/swimming/biking. At least I think. I mean I’ve heard of people who do those things on cruises… there are rumors.
I’ve just read 3 or 4, 5? of your posts … good stuff, Kat. Love the line about the ‘13.1’ sticker. Funny stuff. Enjoyed the one about the holey undies too.
Fabulous! And thank you 🙂 Where do you come down on marathon running?
Marathon running? Honestly blows my mind how a human being could run – not-stop, which I suppose would be the operational word – 26.2 miles; let alone the 13.1 you referred to in your story. The things a person can do when they set their mind to something … boundless.
ahem … I meant to write ‘non-stop,’ not ‘not-stop.’
I got ya
but, with the proper punctuation, ‘not-stop’ could work as well. Eh?
Yeah, I just don’t see the fascination.
I love it. And I feel the same way. Right now, I have an excuse for not running too because my knee is all effed up and I need surgery. Personally, the few times that I’ve been running, I always go with my pup. I even have a special leash that ties around my waist and has a bungee cord part to it so he doesn’t pull me off my feet. Ranger loves it. Since my knee is injured though, we haven’t been running. Instead I play a game where I tell him to go, he runs as far as the leash lets him, then I call his name and he runs back. I do this several times in a row to make sure he is getting his exercise. It’s adorable, ears flapping in the wind and everything. You should use a pup or two to motivate you. It’s fun.
Hahah! I am picture my dogs on this bungee cord contraption and all I can see is my immanent death! LOL– they are total rascals and the younger one doesn’t even like to run (the older one likes to run but I’m afraid she’d give herself a heart attack). Sorry to hear about your knee– no fun! But it did make for an awfully quite addition to the proposal story (which was totally adorable by the way; major points for TB/FH)!
Those 13.1 stickers are so obnoxious. Actually, IMO, almost any sticker is: the ones supporting local police (you only put that on b/c you think it will get you out of tickets), the OBX (great! you want to the Outer Banks, once, wonderful, grand, who cares), the family stickers (wow, such uniqueness you have by using Star Wars or Disney characters to show me you, your wife, three kids, two dogs, cat and bird all live in supposed harmony), and finally (probably not final), Disney AVP stickers. I don’t know what it means, but the “V” has Mickey ears, so it must be a Disney sticker.
Goodness, people, just drive your car. Don’t advertise all the random shit no one cares about (but you, even though you can’t see all those stickers while driving). When’s the last time someone came up to you and said, “nice family, let’s converse and be friends.” Never, people, never.
HAHAHHAHA! Can you please turn this into a full-fledged post? I am literally cracking up, Those family stickers are the worst. I also really love the “show dogs onboard.” Like, oh, you have AWARD-winning dogs in your car? Well, in that case, I guess I won’t run into you after all. If they had been just mediocre, average dogs though, I’d have totally taken you and them out.
Working on it.
Surprisingly easier than I thought: https://slowdownson.wordpress.com/2014/06/27/13-1-or-why-youre-a-douche-hole/
I like 🙂
I just started dating a marathon runner. Last date (our 6th date) I found out he wakes up every morning at 6:20AM to run 10 miles. I’ve never run 10 miles, ever. The timing of your post couldnt have been better, thanks!
I think my fave take-away from this post (and there are many) is that Tiger Woods personally congratulates you after 3 miles via iPod. I wish there was a device where we could *pick* which celeb is impressed with our cardio stamina. I think for me it would be a tie between Mr.T, Oprah, & Hugh Laurie.
Ooh yes, that would be awesome! Maybe you could get all three of them 🙂 Personally, I would love to hear from Michelle Obama. I feel like she and I would have a real connection.
[…] so hard that I almost fell off of my bed on more than one occasion (especially when talking about marathon runners), but I always seemed to be the one initiating contact and even though he said he wanted to go out […]