Every year I think to myself “This is going to be the year that I finish my Christmas shopping on time!” I have visions of spending Christmas Eve sipping hot cocoa and listening to Mannheim Steamrollers instead of fighting with my brother over the communal wrapping paper.
I have visions of not spending twenty minutes in line at the post office. Of not visiting the grocery store on a daily basis because I get swept up in the holiday frenzy and always forget to purchase at least two items from my holiday baking list.
(Actually I lie. I don’t even have a list.)
I think, “Wouldn’t it be nice to not pay extra for last minute shipping?”
Wouldn’t it be nice to… you know… relax over the holidays?
Sadly this year was not the year. I spent all morning on Amazon—Amazon of all places!—because I realized that Christmas is six days away and I still hadn’t gotten anything for my brother even though he sent me a list several weeks ago and I entered everything into a spreadsheet with the intent of being ORGANIZED this year.
My brother, by the way, shouldn’t even be allowed to celebrate Christmas. I used to be the absolute best gift giver in our household and he’d always wait until the last minute and end up donating to charities in my mother’s name in the wee hours of Christmas morning. He’d print out little certificates saying, “I bought a heard of ducks to feed a family in India” and she’d get all emotional and I’d be like, “Seriously? You do know he did that like twenty minutes ago because I told him I didn’t have any extra presents that he could buy off of me this year?”
But lately he’s been upping his game. Lately he’s been doing his “I gave to so-and-so in your name” ahead of time so that he gets their official “tokens of appreciation” in time for Christmas. Last year it was a calendar from an animal rescue shelter. A freakin’ calendar of dog pictures! And of course my mom got all emotional again… Meanwhile my brother is bringing out his next gift like freaking Uncle Drosselmeyer and it turns out he’s gotten a year-long Netflix subscription for the entire family.
One year he got us all Passport drives loaded with our favorite TV shows and even though I have since enjoyed hours of amusement from Modern Family and Big Bang Theory, I was like, “Seriously, dude? You are BLOWING THE CURVE!”
(I later learned that our passport drives almost didn’t make it in time because my brother is rather scatterbrained and he accidentally left them at work back when he had an office instead of a truck. It was nice to know that even the King of Gift Giving screws up once in a while.)
But I digress…
Whenever it rains or gets foggy, Verizon decides to take a little vacation from providing internet service so there I was sitting at my desk hissing four-letter words under my breath during what is supposed to be a time of happiness and world peace and not cursing at Amazon.com.
But the order is at last placed. And not a moment too soon because after tomorrow night’s faculty dinner, I’m off to spend the weekend with TWD. We have some very exciting plans which I’m not going to reveal right now but let’s just say there won’t be any time for wrapping gifts…