When I signed up for Plenty of Fish back in March, it took me about 0.00023 seconds to realize that I ought to set up a new email address—one that did not contain my full name, for starters—so I registered for a new Gmail account.
Now, I’ve been done with Plenty of Fish for months, but Plenty of Fish is like that ex-boyfriend who just won’t let go. I still haven’t managed to delete my account, which means I still get emails from hopeful Fishes on a daily—sometimes hourly—basis.
Today’s catch included:
(And no, I’m not making these up…)
Let’s start with JerseyBoy7883, shall we? Having spent the majority of my childhood in the great state of New Jersey, I could technically call myself a “Jersey girl” but I don’t—because when it comes to online dating, you’re supposed to put your best foot forward and there’s a reason why New Jersey is oft-referred to as the “armpit of America.” (And why shows such as Jersey Shore boast an all-star cast of obnoxious imbeciles.)
Being from New Jersey isn’t something to be proud of. In fact, it’s one of those things that you shouldn’t even reveal until a third or fourth date.
Next up: Ebonyhardgold. Clearly Ebonyhardgold has yet to learn the art of subtlety. I mean what kind of woman would even respond to a man who engages in such blatant advertising? I’m extremely curious, so if anyone of you reading this has ever received (and responded to) a message from a man with a name like Ebonyhardgold, do tell.
I feel like Cornbread_wings might be okay. With a name like that, he probably doesn’t take himself too seriously (most likely because he’s too busy taking his soul food seriously).
MasterX2 sounds like some sort of S&M thing, or perhaps a video game? As for DaWeaselDavey… do you really want to date someone who calls himself a weasel? Methinks not.
I haven’t logged onto Plenty of Fish in months and I’m afraid to because the moment I do, my account will appear “active” again and I’ll start receiving actual messages from men like Spiritual_Warrior and HardTrailXC. (Right now, I just get automated emails from Plenty of Fish that say “So-and-so wants to meet you!”) As such, I have no idea what any of these men event looks like, what they do for a living, where they live and whether or not they can string together a complete sentence.
My loss, I suppose.
Or not. We’re always told you can’t judge a book by its cover but if that we’re the case the publishing industry wouldn’t employ, you know, actual professionals to design book jackets. I think the same goes for online dating: you shouldn’t just a man by his “cover” but most of us do, so why not make that cover (ie. your screen name) something that doesn’t scream “I’m a major tool”?
PS: Don’t forget to cast your vote.