Why Angry People Should Stick to Home Exercise

I ask you: What is there to SMILE about?

“You f*cking b*tch!”

The blond chick with the chunky red highlights ignores me, so I add a curt “I hate you!” under my breath.

Of course, she doesn’t respond to this either.  Why?  Well, she can’t hear me.  She’s on TV, and even though I’ve already done the “last eight” of my bun-toning squats, she tells me to do eight more.

In keeping with my love of all things insane, I’ve decided to start a new exercise regimen in the hopes that I’ll see some “quick results” in time for my show on September 8th, and Blondie here has promised super-fast results with her 10-minute targeted toning workout (courtesy of Netflix).

I initially thought I’d get to tone everything in ten minutes but no: its ten minutes for your arms, ten minutes for your abs, ten minutes for your buns, followed by a ten minute “dynamic power stretch.” (This far, I’ve been fast-forwarding through the ten-minute thigh workout.)

Blondie, unfortunately, is a big fat liar.  Actually, she’s not fat at all—she has a rather amazing six pack, which she shows off through a variety of blue bra tops at ten-minute intervals—but she’s still a liar.  Towards the end of every set, she says, “Okay, eight more—you’re almost there!”  Then you do the eight more and she says, “Great job!  How about another eight?”

Except it’s not really a question.  It never is.

Nonetheless, I like to have the last word, hence my new habit of swearing at the television screen.

I really love when she says things like, “You’re doing great!”  I mean, how can she tell?  I could by lying dead on the floor of my living room thanks to her “eight more” for all she knows.

After a particularly intense hand-and-knees trapezius exercise yesterday, Blondie said “Lean back” so I took this as my cue to assume child’s pose (her “rest” position of choice) and start thinking about all the sun dried tomato cream cheese I could eat, now that I’m following the “targeted toning” program.

Expect Blondie didn’t mean “lean back and think about cream cheese.”  What she actually said was “Think of what a lean back you’ll have after we do eight more!” but I was too busy slinging various profanities towards the television screen to hear her instructions properly.

Fortunately, you can’t get kicked out of an exercise class for cursing out the instructor when you’re working out in your living room.

And so it continues.

Now, before I run off for a day at the beach (my final attempt at a proper summer holiday), I would like to say that I’ve been overwhelmed and completely awed by the responses I received to yesterday’s post.  You all rock!  (Click here if you missed the launch of my new art-by-proxy student scholarship fund.)  A huge THANK YOU to everyone who’s donated so far, and for your notes of encouragement and support.

Ooh—and don’t forget to cast your vote today and every day until September 9th!  Over and out…

8 Responses to “Why Angry People Should Stick to Home Exercise”

  1. Ellen Rhudy

    I find saying “f*ck you billy blanks” a good motivational technique – it gives me the strength to keep going through all the extra sets he forces you through, with no warning.

    Reply
  2. Lost in France

    I am impressed that you are able to schedule in a day at the beach with your hectic timetable
    hope you had fun

    Reply
  3. Katie

    I HIGHLY recommend 30-day Shred, by Jillian Michaels — you know, the badass trainer from the Biggest Loser. I know you don’t have 30 days, but considering you’re a dancer and are likely already in awesome shape, you shouldn’t need it. The workouts are only 20 minutes and a fantastically intense mix of cardio and strength. And Jillian is all about tough love, which is exactly what I need when it comes to working out at home.

    Reply
  4. sarahnsh

    I hate doing the Wii Fitness for that matter, the stupid stand weighs me and then says in a very cutesy voice, “You’re overweight!” As my Mii balloons out into a blob, so, I kind of resist throwing the entire thing out the window. It just makes you exercise so much better if you’re cursing, that’s what I’m sticking to.

    Reply
  5. Jess Killmenow

    Like so much of your work this is so funny and endearing. Your wit arrives daily to brighten my inbox thanks to my email subscription – one of the best investments I ever made.

    And happy sweating, btw.

    Reply
  6. Pat Amsden

    Yep! That’s pretty much my reaction to those instructions too. Amazing how similar they all are. But now I’ll be picturing dead people lying there as they say ‘Look at how well you’re doing!”

    Reply

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