“You f*cking b*tch!”
The blond chick with the chunky red highlights ignores me, so I add a curt “I hate you!” under my breath.
Of course, she doesn’t respond to this either. Why? Well, she can’t hear me. She’s on TV, and even though I’ve already done the “last eight” of my bun-toning squats, she tells me to do eight more.
In keeping with my love of all things insane, I’ve decided to start a new exercise regimen in the hopes that I’ll see some “quick results” in time for my show on September 8th, and Blondie here has promised super-fast results with her 10-minute targeted toning workout (courtesy of Netflix).
I initially thought I’d get to tone everything in ten minutes but no: its ten minutes for your arms, ten minutes for your abs, ten minutes for your buns, followed by a ten minute “dynamic power stretch.” (This far, I’ve been fast-forwarding through the ten-minute thigh workout.)
Blondie, unfortunately, is a big fat liar. Actually, she’s not fat at all—she has a rather amazing six pack, which she shows off through a variety of blue bra tops at ten-minute intervals—but she’s still a liar. Towards the end of every set, she says, “Okay, eight more—you’re almost there!” Then you do the eight more and she says, “Great job! How about another eight?”
Except it’s not really a question. It never is.
Nonetheless, I like to have the last word, hence my new habit of swearing at the television screen.
I really love when she says things like, “You’re doing great!” I mean, how can she tell? I could by lying dead on the floor of my living room thanks to her “eight more” for all she knows.
After a particularly intense hand-and-knees trapezius exercise yesterday, Blondie said “Lean back” so I took this as my cue to assume child’s pose (her “rest” position of choice) and start thinking about all the sun dried tomato cream cheese I could eat, now that I’m following the “targeted toning” program.
Expect Blondie didn’t mean “lean back and think about cream cheese.” What she actually said was “Think of what a lean back you’ll have after we do eight more!” but I was too busy slinging various profanities towards the television screen to hear her instructions properly.
Fortunately, you can’t get kicked out of an exercise class for cursing out the instructor when you’re working out in your living room.
And so it continues.
Now, before I run off for a day at the beach (my final attempt at a proper summer holiday), I would like to say that I’ve been overwhelmed and completely awed by the responses I received to yesterday’s post. You all rock! (Click here if you missed the launch of my new art-by-proxy student scholarship fund.) A huge THANK YOU to everyone who’s donated so far, and for your notes of encouragement and support.
Ooh—and don’t forget to cast your vote today and every day until September 9th! Over and out…