Writing left handed

A Question from the Hot Tub: Would YOU Date Me?

By the time you read this, I’ll be sitting in a hot tub overlooking the Chesapeake with a drink in hand—preferably something cool and alcoholic (even if it is only 8:00am)—and reading one of the Victorian novels I discovered while cleaning my room last weekend.  Today marks my first day off in three weeks and I intend to enjoy it.

But enough about me and my bikini— let’s get down to business, shall we?

When that radio produced from the CBC called last month to pre-interview me about my “dating spreadsheet,” I quickly realized that my story wasn’t quite what she was looking for.  (This was because I recognized her technique.  It’s called “Ask the same question over and over again, only ask it slightly differently each time.”  This is the same technique I use when I’m in journalist-mode and my interviewee isn’t giving me what I want.)

So I tossed her the name of the Spreadsheet Master himself (fellow blogger Dennis H.) and lo and behold, Dennis managed to snag a proper interview.  I’d be jealous if he hadn’t thanked me profusely and offered to buy me a drink should we ever meet in the real world.  (I’m gonna hold you to it, Dennis; a proper raspberry chocolate truffle martini with all the fixin’s.)

But I still haven’t forgotten my little mini-interview.  Nor one of the producer’s more poignant questions:

What are you going to do with your spreadsheet if you ever, you know… get married?

“I don’t know,” I replied.  In truth, I’d never given it much thought.  “Burn it?  Frame it?  Give it my daughter on her 18th birthday and say, ‘Go have fun, honey?’  Maybe I’ll—ooh!  I know!  I’ll create one of those really sappy websites that people make for their weddings and I’ll display the spreadsheet in the ‘How we met’ section.  Maybe I’ll even print a copy for each of our wedding guests.”

(Actually, this isn’t a bad idea.  I intend to have a Quaker wedding.  I’ve never been to a Quaker wedding but from what I understand, they can be a bit boring.  Maybe my guests would like some lighthearted reading material to keep themselves entertained during the service?  I’ll have to take a poll when the time comes.)

Anyway, her question got me thinking.  How will I account for this little “year of fieldwork?”  How will I explain my spreadsheet to my future husband?  Obviously he’ll love me in spite of/because of my… er, eccentricities, but maybe this blog is going to come back to haunt me?

I’m starting to feel as though my “research” is becoming counterproductive at this point.  Until last weekend’s rock climbing adventure, I hadn’t made it past the two-date mark since (hold on a sec, gotta consult the spreadsheet) since JANUARY!

It would seem that I’m getting worse at dating instead of better.  I mean I’m getting better at small talk and flirting and doing that sexy thing with the stem of my wineglass that I didn’t even realize I was doing until one of my previous dates got all hot and bothered by it and asked me to stop…

But my “skills” won’t amount to a beans if I end up so jaded, so hyper-critical, so the-grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side as a result of this experiment that I spend the rest of my life looking for perfection.

I know, I know.  I’m only 25.  When I find The One, I’ll give up the rest.  Love will find you when you least expect it and all that jazz but in the back of my head, I’m starting to worry if I’m doing serious damage here.  I keep hearing that too many choices f*cks up your ability to make a decision and that actually there is such a thing as too much dating.

So, my dear readers, tell it to me straight: Would you date me, knowing what you know about me?

Would you introduce me to your parents?

Would you marry me?

Would you trust me to raise well-adjusted children?  (I promise I won’t let them read romantic novels until they’re at least in high school.  Maybe even in college.)

Or, on the other hand, would you simply take me out a few times, have your fun as I do that thing I do with my wineglass and then dive straight back into the dating pool, hoping you’ll find someone less sociable to be the mother of your children?

Seriously, tell me.  Especially my male readers.  I want to know.

23 Responses to “A Question from the Hot Tub: Would YOU Date Me?”

  1. The T


    Dating you would be easy… you’ve got beautiful personal style that evokes a girl from “back in the day”… You’ve got that look that could be captured using a black and white styled photo that makes you timeless and classic. You take pride in how you carry yourself… you accessorize for little touches that make you appear a bit different based on how it makes you feel, not necessarily what the person you’re hanging out with might view with the same set of expectations (ie: your grandmother’s pearls).

    You’re active and you do fun things… you’re not so caught up in the rat race where it has beat you down…(don’t worry you have 5-7 more years before you become that girl)… You’re a well rounded woman…able to be worldly or simply be the girl watching office reruns on the couch… I would share my icecream with such a girl like that… one spoon to share…(just know that alone, is a special treat since I’m a germaphobe and stuff) … and in fact, I’d enjoy entertwining my legs with yours on that couch during stormy days, when it’s grey and blustery, to find some comfort in sharing a blanket and some humor while sipping some cool California wines…

    One can tell that you’ve got delicious stories within you… I’ve viewed not just your words, but all of the pictures I could find within a few of your blogs… underneath a calm surface, there are currents of restlessness yet untapped…

    You are eclectic, and you have a sense of duality within you, one second you speak to a simply puritan Quaker moment while the next, you’re tripping into a “proper raspberry chocolate truffle martini with all the fixin’s”. Yen and Yang in one girl… it could be a fun adventure to find which one of the dualities you tip the scale toward…

    I haven’t read everything about the Kat, who is the blogger, but I’ve read enough to know you could be incredibly romantic… and you’re searching for intimacy among an ocean of men who seem grey and lack depth… bringing you to the man cave and not making a move on you? I’d take the “man-card” away from that poor clueless soul… being in a room after a few dates with me would only allow my hands to write poetry across your body, while my mouth would make you forget the lights are still on… Your duality would know new depths in this realm… object of my affections that woud inspire the same words as Napolean wrote to Josephine on one side, against the good girl gone bad knowing that I took care of your needs like I was a porn god. Let’s not kid ourselves… duality is within you…. however, in the end of either of those situations, you would know that they were intimate moments…just you were the focus… when was the last time someone took the time to just focus on you? Blissful thought right?

    Stop all of the online searches…get off dating networks… get out of the game…there will be a man who will reach out for you who will not be a part of that type of society…one who has his own sense of style that compliments you to a “T”…. he will find you…and you need to be patient for him… you are beautiful…strong…driven…and at times you may have a little voice inside of you who doubts, but as part of your audience, I see an amazing woman… I not only have faith, but I truly believe in the woman I have come to respect just through reading her words… That, in itself is no small task… I give my faith in small quantities….

    There are those of us out there who know there are good girls still out in this world… You Ms. Kat are one of them… I would date you…I’d introduce you to the folks… and I would trust that you are capable of bringing out the best in what a man could be to fit your life…. you simply must look for someone just as eclectic….amazing….extraordinary….and beautiful as you know you are….


    • Kat Richter

      Christ! I don’t really know what to say to that, except thank you 🙂 So thank you, T (you’ve made a girl blush).

  2. Jess Killmenow

    Intelligent with just the right amount of sarcasm, beautiful and endearing features, including great legs – yes, I’d date you. I would date you as long as I thought there was a reasonable chance of, well, you know. But I probably wouldn’t introduce you to my parents until after… you know. And I probably would not continue to date you if reasonable progress toward that primary (if somewhat primate) goal had been achieved. After we had become lovers I would go into “can’t get enough mode” for a while, probably have a brief regression of “need a little space”, after which we would have a small conflict that we might or might not survive. If we survived the conflict, I would become all repentant and sentimental and ask you to marry me. Probably.

  3. Lost in France

    would I get to share the hot tub and a cold drink?

    I can understnad your fear, that the more choice you have the more you want. I have the same problem when looking to buy a new gadget.
    I clearly specify what it is I need and can justify why I need it. Then I start to do the research and I find that if I pay just a little bit more I can get some additional feature. Not a feature I probably even need or want. But the spirl goes on. little bit more for this feature, or to make it run faster, what ever.
    At the end of this I have convinced myself I really need this super gadget, but can now nolonger afford it, so do not get it and can not face going back to the basic model. so I come out with nothing
    A few weeks later I will try and start the whole process afresh and try to stick with what it is I really need.

    What I am trying to say, is to seak perfection is to fail. As long as you keep your heart open I am sure when the right man comes along, all this will seem like a fun persuit, but trivual. That will apply to both of you.
    As to would I date you, and all the rest. Ignoring the geographcal issues, if the magic was there then it works I have not read anything here that would tell me to run.

  4. mairedubhtx

    Seriously, (don’t take offense) I don’t think you’re ready to settle down yet. You’re still in dating mode. You’re certainly not ready to get married yet. You aren’ serious enough about looking for a mate. You’re still looking for the next date and maybe not being as open as you need to be in order to find a marrying man.

  5. Elizabeth

    I don’t have a fancy username, but as part of your public.. I’m throwing my opinion out there. I think what you have to figure out is whether or not it’s really an anthropological (word?) endeavor or are you looking for love? Are you at that place where you know what you want? It seems like you’re still finding out and that is why the spreadsheet is okay. The blogging is okay. Because you’re figuring out pitfalls (types) that you fall into. Some people figure that out after they’ve already made a commitment, they realize that isn’t what they want. I think the man that you marry will appreciate the effort you put forth to figure yourself (& what you want) out.

  6. Zak


    Aside from being the other type you haven’t well named yet, I’d like to think I could keep your attention. AND! We can compare spreadsheets…

  7. mydatingprescription

    I agree with mairedubhtx. Despite the fact that you own two wedding dresses, I don’t get the sense from you blog that you are ready to meet someone to marry. The first question to ask yourself would be, are you ready to be in a long-term relationship. I think you may have been onto something the other day when you posted the picture of youself at the hostel. Does the persona of your blog match your authentic self, and do you think the persona of your blog would attract the type of man you will ultimately find with whom to have a relationship? I would be more focused on these basic questions before worrying about walking down the aisle. Besides, once you’re married you’re pretty locked in. There’s no rush, believe me.

  8. Pat Amsden

    OMG! I’ve never actually seen dating a girl compared to buying an appliance or computer before but he makes a good analogy. I think as long as you’re having fun keep dating.

    Maybe you’ll meet the man of your dreams though on-line dating, maybe you’ll trip over him while running out to buy a quart of milk but I’m pretty sure you’ll find someone. And yes he will want you to meet his parents and raise the children you have together. If it’s just to raise his children he might want to check out a nanny service.

    You might want to check out the T – he seems to have a thing about you. Although I’d meet him in a crowded coffee-shop before giving out my home address just to make sure he’s not a stalker.

    • The T

      My dearest Pat… oh how you made me giggle and laugh… I assure you I am a complete gentlemanly-ish-ish human, who lives in the Virgin Islands… I know not where the girl lives….however, I would date her… I have a gifted life, and yet it seems, she keeps struggling with one that is embedded with common, dull men… I am anything but common… I struggle for exceptional daily… unlike most men, I put it plainly in front of you to judge…walking the walk ,instead of just offering chatter about nothingness….


      • The T

        Oh, Pat, by the way, I have a “thing” for extraordinary girls… shouldn’t we all have standards? There is mine…


  9. Lincoln

    Would I date you?

    That question is (perhaps intentionally vague) — do you mean “go on a date with you” or “date you in a long-term, repetitive fashion?” Since, for me, everything beyond the first date is driven solely by the events of the first date (body language, mutual compatablity, not so much sparks, but “did we/I have fun”), so assuming the former:

    Six months ago, yes (including, if need be, using it as excuse to visit Philadelphia again)
    Today? No. I’m in a relationship with someone who gets me (and I like to think I get her) — after 9 years on Match.com and probably two dozen first dates that didn’t really go anywhere.
    Six months from now? Who knows. You seem to have a great personality — and I tend to be attracted to creative types (though I admit that dancers, as a rule, scare the c*ap out of me — it’s a phobia from high school I haven’t managed to shake). I appreciate your wanderlust, and confidence. I enjoy reading your blog — you have a wonderful written voice — so if you’re anyhwere near as poised in person, when the right guy comes along the right guy will come along.

    Would I marry you? See my first disclaimer about the first date. And don’t overthink it. I think part of my reason for being single so long was I always thought way too far ahead rather than enjoying the moment.

    Carpe diem.

    • Kat Richter

      Thanks, Lincoln– and I’m glad to hear that your personal life seems to be sorting itself out rather nicely. (For future reference, however, there’s no need to be scared of dating a dancer– the majority of us are supremely self-conscious beneath the “Look at me!” veneer and if it’s your own dancing skills that you’re worried about, the willingness to try is way more important.)

  10. Carl

    Would you date me, knowing what you know about me?
    The question: Would I date you? is a question that I have actually put some thought into. Your blog is fascinating and enthralling to me. From reading it I feel that I have learned many things about you. The thought lurks in the back of my mind that I want to ask you on date; however, I currently feel that there are a number of (in my view) pointless hurdles that exist. First, my financial situation and personal preference and perspective prevent me from doing things such as going to expensive restaurants, or others events, such as concerts of the theater, that I might actually want to go to. Your seeming pre-occupation with things such as: How tall, how old, how fit, and how much money your dates make are all things at are on some level relevant, but I do not view them as being important to the degree that you do. I went to another PYAF retreat this weekend. It was quite an awesome experience, although slightly less so because I was not in your lovely presence. 🙂 During this retreat, I had an interesting revelation. Quaker Young Adults are the most amazing people that I know on so many levels. As a percentage, I meet so many more women that I view as pretty or attractive at Quaker events then at other events with my similar-aged peers. The one thing that stood out related to why this was was that people that I meet at Quaker events are extremely authentic. They are in tune with themselves, and with others. You can connect, and have pleasant and honest conversations. There is less bullshit, less artificial politeness( to a degree) , and less indirectness. I find this honesty and authenticity extremely refreshing, and attractive. I encourage you to attend more PYAF events, whether as a way to potentially meet some awesome and nice men, or as a way to develop social acquaintances and friendships with cool people. The descriptions that you have provided of your dates thus far are interesting, but I find them to be rather more structured than I care for. There are constraints and rules, both explicit and unspoken. Each person is in a way playing a particular role. I find that this generally detracts from, instead of enhances, the potential for connections or “sparks” to occur. Having deep conversations, sharing experiences, doing something mutually enjoyable together, those are things that I strive for, and the ways that I connect with people. To actually answer your question though, yes, I would totally happily go on a date with you, can I believe that potential exists for some form of relationship to develop.
    Would you introduce me to your parents?
    My Parents, although like all parents they irritate me sometimes, are very relaxed and friendly people. I would not be at all hesitant to introduce you to my parents, if our acquaintance were to progress to such a point.
    Would you marry me?
    Marriage is the most intense and strongest commitment that people can make with each other. When I am in relationship with someone, and I reach a point where I desire to marry them, I am not going to take that leap of faith unless I believe that it will be successful. Acquiring the knowledge and intimacy with that person necessary to know how successful a life-long relationship would be is something that takes a long time and a great deal of work. Currently, as we are not more than acquaintances, it is impossible for me to attempt to answer this question. I think that this is a question that very few people, if anyone that you know could accurately answer.
    The only thing that I can say is that it is not discounted as a possibility in my head currently. I find it fascinating that you desire to have a Quaker wedding, although you have not been to one. You have heard that said weddings can be “boring.” To some perhaps they unfortunately are, but to me, as a life-long Quaker, I find them incredibly appealing, powerful, and fascinating. I hope that whoever your future husband is, he understands and appreciates Quaker meeting for Worship with a concern for marriage.
    Would you trust me to raise well-adjusted children? (I promise I won’t let them read romantic novels until they’re at least in high school. Maybe even in college.)
    You are a beautiful and “well-adjusted” person Kat, and I believe that you will become an awesome mother someday. If I was in a relationship with you that reached the level of commitment where procreation was occurring, I am confident that I would have enough trust in you to be effective as a parent.
    Or, on the other hand, would you simply take me out a few times, have your fun as I do that thing I do with my wineglass and then dive straight back into the dating pool, hoping you’ll find someone less sociable to be the mother of your children?
    I would not so what you have described above. And for the record, if you were doing said thing with the wineglass, and it was making me all “hot and bothered”, as it were, I would most certainly not ask you to stop. Why put an end to a good thing?
    The thought occurs to me that your experiences from your dating experiment might make you somewhat jaded, but that is something that can be avoided, or overcame with some work. As for the perspective of “the grass is greener on the other side” my viewpoint is this:
    I believe that there are multiple people in the USA, and in the world that I could be in a happy loving relationship with, and even a life-long relationship with. When I am in such a relationship, when I choose to fully commit to that, I am also choosing to forgo looking for other such relationships. Instead I work with the one that I have already. The possibility always exists that there might be “Something better” out there. By constantly looking for that, you miss out on the love and happiness that you already have.

    • Kat Richter

      Thanks for your insight Carl. I’m glad you enjoyed the PYAF retreat; I’m actually on the planning committee now so I would have been there if not for Memorial Day plans with my family 🙂

  11. Dennis Hong

    Come out to San Diego and I’ll have that martini waiting for you at the airport. 😉

    As for dating you, I don’t think an internet audience is the proper place to ask, because frankly, none of us know the real you (well, aside from the readers who do actually know you in person).

    We all keep an online persona, and that online persona can be very different from our real-life persona.

    So, to answer your question… I don’t know. Because, despite all the online interactions we’ve had, I don’t know you well enough.


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