How to Outsmart eHarmony

My God.  I’d forgotten how much work goes into online dating.  And I haven’t even reached the dating phase yet!  I’m still stuck in the interminable quagmire that comprises eHarmony’s “Guided Communication Process” but I will say this: I’ve received some interesting prospects this week.

My eHarmony subscription is paid up through June.  As I mentioned last month, the matches they’d been sending me went from bad (5’6”) to worse (5’4”).  And yes, I know I shouldn’t be so hung up on the height thing but I can’t help it.  It’s one of my non-negotiables, and a girl’s allowed at least a few less-than-rational demands, isn’t she?  I mean its not as if I’m asking all of my Potential Soul Mates to take up baroque dance or eighteenth-century costuming.

Anyway, I figured that the folks over at eHarmony figured that they’d never be able to send me six or seven good candidates every day for the final four months of my subscription (and that I’d call to complain as evidently so many of their clients do).  According to my eHarmony Conspiracy Theory, they therefore began padding my daily matches with the sort of men who, to be frank, made me think that spinsterhood might not be such a bad idea after all.

First it was one or two duds every day.  Then three or four.  Then, last month, nothing but duds, and even then the deluge of vertically challenged, linguistically challenged, entirely-not-for-me men eventually slowed to a sad, steady trickle.  At last count, I was receiving only two or three matches per day.

So I decided to outsmart eHarmony.

I turned off the “Send me matches” feature and took a few days off (by which I mean, I reactived my Match.com account and got started on Plenty of Fish).  My thought was that once the folks over at eHarmony realized they wouldn’t need to send me six to seven matches every day from now until the end of June, they’d stop holding out on me.  And once I reactivated the “Send me matches”  feature, the rationing of actual Potential Soul Mates would cease and I’d be swamped with good looking men.

Genius right?

And it was genius, because it worked.  I’ve even gone so far as to give one of my potential PSMs my phone number.

131 Responses to “How to Outsmart eHarmony”

  1. Dennis Hong

    I’m gonna be blunt here, but it bothers me how shallow you’re getting.

    Can you imagine, for example, if I were to start writing about my online dating endeavors, and all I kept saying was how I was getting matched up with one fatty after another, or how every girl I came across was an uggo?

    Just a thought….

    Reply
    • Cody

      Yeah, I am sure she can imagine that it would suck to be in your situation. I can, too. We are obviously more concerned with looks that you are. However, before you start calling names, think about the irrational leaps you are taking. To call someone shallow is not to say “you value physical appearance” but to say “you only value physical appearance.” You, sir, are making a false judgement about the girl who wrote this article. Just because she values physical appearance does not mean that that is all she values.

      Reply
      • None of your BO (@VENTBLOG)

        No, she only values physical appearance. It’s right there in plain English. She specifically defines “bad” and “worse” as ‘being short’ and ‘being shorter’. Nice try at defending outright, plain-as-day bigotry, though. Absolutely no different from rejecting a woman because her body doesn’t fit social standards.

        Reply
        • Dr. Who

          Here is my story and dictum toward Kat Richter and eharmony. I am 5’3″ tall short man by today standards, but historically average size for a human male. I put myself through undergraduate at Oxford University while modeling and riding race horse. I continued on with my fellowship at Cambridge and was decorated with a PH.D. after I completely my dissertation. While traveling in Moscow Russia for a photo shoot I met the love of my life, Oxsana. She was also a model and had a station of 6 feet on the dot. Very tall is really the point here! She was modeling for Ford at the time and had a MS degree in organic chemistry under her belt as well. Yes, some models are very savvy. We got on well and married, which lasted for 18 year until she passed away from cancer. As for me, I am a highly educated man, have good looks, take care of myself and I am well off when it comes to my monetary prowess (I only have to work because I choose to work). I have two wonderful children as well, a boy and a girl. In my home we speak English, Russian and Polish and we have a home in Moscow and Krakow Poland and live in San Francisco as it is our home base city. I am a very reserved man, have many interest and love being a father to my children. I can tell you all I dislike pretentious people as well and I come from a humble wellspring. In other words, I worked hard for what I have. I say this all to tell all of you that I would have zero chance of landing a date with “Kat” because I am short. Even though I made legions of money while being a male model in Europe plus riding horses for some extra lolly. When you couple that with a Graduate degree in Clinical Neurosciences, she would rather date a man that is taller than I, just because he is taller. She could care less what is on the inside of a man or what and man has actually achieved. The word shallow does best fit Kat. After reading her little essay, it was easy to conclude that she is shallow. But she is not the only one. I have had a profile up on eharmony for 8 months now and I created my own profile that reaped no joy (no dates). Then I decided to take another route and my late wife’s sister created a profile for me and guess what, still no joy. As a last ditch effort I ask a close and dear friend to my late wife to create my profile with me two months ago and still no joy. I am completely being ignored, not a single response, ZERO! It’s amazing actually! But, three weeks ago I met a French women, owner of a local restaurant here in San Francisco and we got on well, first date was great and we are on for a second date this weekend. She happens to be about 5’9 or 5’10” tall and just looks very nice as well, very French! To end this little story of mine it is best summed up this way; Kat and a great deal of American women are too hung up on a man’s height. It is really sad and pathetic if you ask me and Kat is the norm, not the exception to the rule. Out of all the women I have met in my life, American women as the most carping on the planet… it has to be in the water or something because other women around the world don’t act like this. I have now closed down my eharmony account because I found it to be an utter waste of my time / endeavor. The entire emprise on eharmony for me was an etude into the shoal minds of American women and I say this as an American man, born and raised in the USA, but educated in the UK.

          Reply
          • Kelly

            Dr. Who,

            Well said…with the exception of a few things.

            First, yes, people who are so hung up on height and looks and how much muscle a guy has or big a woman’s chest is are shallow. That is the truth and quite frankly it disgusts me how close-minded people can be. They are so desperate to find true love, but they aren’t finding it because they are standing in their own way over something has lame as a height difference. But to say that Kat doesn’t care at all about what’s on the inside when you have never met her and know nothing else about her aside from what she wrote in her post is wrong.

            Second, to group all (or a great deal as you put it) American women into the category of shallow is wrong and extremely judgmental of you. You’re being just as judgmental as those shallow people out there. While EVERYONE out there is shallow to some extent (yes, probably even you), I do NOT consider myself a shallow person and pride myself on the fact that I am open-minded and always give guys I meet a chance regardless or height, etc.

            I do agree with you that so many people out there (including many on this post) who seem to be excessively shallow and that’s sad. But, we all have our faults, so I can’t sit here and talk from some high horse like I’m a perfect person. And perhaps European’s are less shallow…they sure seem to know how to eat and enjoy life better than most busy and stressed out Americans. I don’t know, I’ve only been to Paris once, four years ago. I also agree with you that eHarmony is a joke and a huge waste of time. I mean look, you closed your eHarmony account and already found an amazing women without hiding behind a computer screen. You go! So, Dr. Who, sorry for your loss and I wish you (and everyone else on here) the best of luck in their quest for true love.

            Reply
            • Kat Richter

              Thank you both for your comments. I wrote this post YEARS ago and I’m always amused to find that people are still reading it. Here’s the link to the follow up that I wrote shortly after this one: https://fieldworkinstilettos.com/2011/03/03/are-standards-shallow/ (although Dr. Who, it will probably infuriate you even more). And, more importantly, here’s the link to a much more recent post written this past summer when I found myself dating a man who wasn’t (OMG!) taller than me-in-heels. If you’re going to judge me for something I wrote three years ago, that’s your prerogative (I DID write it after all, and it IS on the internet) but you might be equally amused to find how my thoughts have changed: https://fieldworkinstilettos.com/2014/08/01/the-height-thing/

              Reply
              • Kelly

                Kat,

                I read your new post. The European sounds wonderful! I’m happy you found someone wonderful! I didn’t get a chance to read other posts about him. I’m curious, did you meet him online?

                Also, I was a pro ballerina at one point (many years ago) and had been dancing since I was two. I know all too well the body issues that go along with this industry. It took a very long time (still is), but I too am finally coming to terms with the fact that I do look pretty damn good without that skinny mirror. I always love hearing from others who were in the same boat and are learning to love themselves and the way they look. Large, tone calves look awesome in heels! One of them main reasons why I love wearing them. 😉

                Lastly, I didn’t mean any offense to my last post. I heard enough comments over the years about my body not being good enough (gotta love the dance world!) to not take offense to people who have a problem with height and other things like that. I’m glad you are open minded and willing to give someone new a chance. Best of luck to you.

                Kelly

                Reply
                • Kat Richter

                  Hi Kelly,

                  Oh yes, if you were part of the ballet world, you definitely know what I’m talking about! Skinny mirrors and all 🙂 I have a lot of students now who are going through adolescence with their shoulders hunched because they think they’re too tall and I keep telling them, “Trust me, I know you hate it now but someday you will realize how great it is to be tall!”

                  What company did you dance for?

                  The European and I did in fact meet online, about 3 months ago at this point. Unfortunately he’s out of town for a few weeks (but I like his bed better than mine so I am chilling at his place with a glass of wine as we speak, lol!)

                  Have a good one,
                  Kat

              • Kelly

                I couldn’t reply directly to your last comment…not sure why. It’s so sad how kids/teens feel about themselves due to pressures from the outside world (ie: magazines, dance teachers, etc). I wish these kids would realize they are all beautiful, but sometimes only time, experiences (good and bad) and wisdom will allow them to really realize how being tall can be a great thing. I’m not all that tall (5’7), but taller than the average. Even I had issues with my height once I started sprouting. Although, I did audition for the Rockettes once (with my true height on my resume) and they measured me out at 5’6. What?! They said I wasn’t tall enough! All your students should go audition for the Rockettes. They would feel incredible about their heights!

                I danced for the Charleston Ballet Theater in Charleston, SC. Very small contemporary ballet company. I loved every minute of it and wouldn’t change a thing, but it became a job that no longer made me happy and I got sick of everyone expecting me to be perfect. So I went to college for something completely different. 🙂

                Enjoy the bed. 😉 Can’t wait to drink some wine myself!

                Take care

                Reply
                • Kat Richter

                  That’s awesome that you danced for a contemporary ballet company. I’m a big fan of BalletX here in Philadelphia. Also I auditioned for the Rockettes once as well and they totally under-measured me too! I was a few days shy of age 18 requirement though, and just kept praying that they wouldn’t actually check my ID, lol! Hope you enjoyed your wine 🙂

              • Dr. Who

                I can only lend commentary on what you wrote here in this blog, Kat. I felt very quizzical with respect to why it came to pass that not a single women replied to the questions I sent out. I tried bypassing the questions as well and still nothing. So the interrogative side of me set an urge in motion to find out what the flip is wrong with the women on eharmony, hence I ran across your thread here. The fact of the matter is there is a big delta between American women and women around the world when it comes to interaction with a man. Your words in the blog you started here confirm what I wrote like it or not. Everyone has a change of heart, I have had a ton in my life, but I would be willing to bet my home that you would never date and marry a man that is my height or shorter than I. On the other hand I could actually see you dating a man much taller than you but not in the turnabout.

                As for me grouping American women into a selfish soup of sort. There are hoards of cultural anthropological studies that echo my very view of American women as a whole. Men are flocking overseas at alarming rates to conjoin with women. This is something that is a rather new manifestation. My late wife would say, “American women are not natural, they are fake, like plastic. I don’t understand them and I don’t want them as friends. As far as I am concerned American women are not women, but some strange thing you people created here”. In my case, it was not planned or contrived to marry someone from another country, it just happened. The revers is also turn when it comes to non American men. American men tend to treat women much more equal and respectful as as opposed to men around the world. If I were gay, I would run for the hills when it comes to dating an man from another country. Just sit down and have a conversation “man to man” with a German man about the “duties” of his wife and a French man… the idea of a monogamous relationship is not within their soul, the same is true of Russian men and Spaniards. Irish man, don’t even get me started! If you like being a slave date and marry a man from the Middle East, excluding Israel.

                You would get a total change of heart from me if you were actually dating a man that is really short. There is an old saying in the south, talk is cheap and actions are dear. Here is a bit of human history for you as well. For the most part men have been short over human history. It has only been in the past 300 years that men have grown taller in non South African nations. If you were to buy a bed that is pre 1900’s the bed is 6″ shorter than beds of today. Beds pre 1700 are 9″ shorter. I own a kings bed from 1650 and I had to have Tempur-Pedic make a special mattress for me a great cost. The bed is as wide as king but is 9″ shorter. the point being… men have been naturally short. In fact men once again are starting to get shorter in Eastern Europe. I have a co-working that is studying the genetics of human height, it’s why I know a lot about it.

                The point I am trying to make is this, most all women are taller than I. American women on both eharmony and Match would not give me the time of day, even if hell froze over and they do so without a single word being exchanged. On the other hand, European women don’t even consider a mans height as a factor. European women are right minded when it comes to this, and American women are problematic. I have had 4 girlfriends in my life, and I married on of them. Kooky enough I have never once dated an American women (even though I tried), not one was interested and a few over the years that I did ask out when I was single, all politely said no. I ask one why and she said no and this is what she said, “when I wear heals I would be much taller than you, it would not look right”.

                So this is my tails as small man.

                My date tomorrow is: a drive down the Pacific Coast to Pismo Beach for the weekend. Wine tasting, tennis on the red clay… beach time… Can’t wait, thanks to a lovely French gal that has looked past my stature and decided to actually look at “me” and who I am inside.

                cheerio

                Reply
                • Kat Richter

                  Are you seriously going to cite the work of “cultural anthropologists” in one sentence and then launch into a litany of completely erroneous stereotypes about American women and European men? You would do well to remember that most cultural anthropologists stopped believing in the idea of homogenous “cultures” several decades ago.

          • Stephen

            You go, Dr. Who! I would say that I don’t think the height thing is the only detriment when online dating. I’m 6’3″, but because I’m on the hefty side I don’t ever get return emails from women I’m attracted to. One might say, “Stephen, maybe you’re shooting a little too high there online.” But the truth is I went to a singles event the other night, and I got cards from 4 women. I have a date with one next week, have a phone conversation going with another one. The other 2 were pretty, but not my cup of tea (the numbers were offered to me, so I didn’t mislead). One of those 2 I’m not calling had amazing cleavage, but she kept talking about how she wouldn’t date a man who couldn’t pay for diapers. (It didn’t make complete sense, but I think she wanted someone with wealth who could keep her kids in diapers.) So as hypnotized as I was by outward attractions, I’ve not called her. The point or the truth here for me is … I do so much better in person!! Online EVERYONE is shallow, me included. Online if you don’t have a few key physical things on the checklist, people quickly move on. In person my humor and charm can distract you from my belly! This was my first singles event, but I’m going to more of them as the online thing sucks. (The event was sponsored by Match.com actually, so they should sponsor more such events. It was called something like The Great Love Debate, and it was in a theatre.)

            I realize you mentioned your affluence to prove a point, Dr. Who, and I’m not attacking here, just keeping the debate lively. Is it possible that flaunting one’s wealth could be equally as shallow as dating only tall men? Or is it all’s fair when trying to woo a lady to use whatever assets you have? (I have a feeling you probably don’t talk about your wealth when chatting someone up, but were making a point.)

            But since I brought it up, if a woman greatly values wealth is she being practical? Or is she being shallow — because isn’t it way more important that a man loves, cherishes and respects her … than buys her nice trinkets and a nice house. Can money buy love?

            Personally, if someone told me they had a Graduate degree in Clinical Neurosciences and spoke Russian and Polish, I’d tend to be more impressed than how much wealth they had. There are plenty of rich a$$holes out there.

            I will say one thing about Kat kind of in her defense. She was being honest about something primal within her (that we usually keep quiet about because we don’t want to appear grossly superficial). It’s not completely rational, but sometimes we’re attracted to what we’re attracted to on a primal level. And we can be reprogrammed, I believe, if we’re open. If we have a great experience with someone outside our zone of attraction, we sometimes start to shift.

            Good luck with the French woman and sorry to hear about your beautiful wife.

            Reply
            • Kat Richter

              Thanks for adding your two cents Stephen, and good luck with with woman/women you met at the Singles event. I too am glad that Match is starting to hold more of these things– I wish they’d been around when I was still in need of them! And the diaper thing is just bizarre; I think you were right to steer clear of that one!

              Speaking of money though, I agree with you on the following: “I realize you mentioned your affluence to prove a point, Dr. Who, and I’m not attacking here, just keeping the debate lively. Is it possible that flaunting one’s wealth could be equally as shallow as dating only tall men? Or is it all’s fair when trying to woo a lady to use whatever assets you have? (I have a feeling you probably don’t talk about your wealth when chatting someone up, but were making a point.)”

              We all have our insecurities. For me, as a dancer, I have always been insecure about my body and always felt “too tall” when I was growing up. I’ve finally (after 29 years!!!) reached a point where I can look at myself in the mirror and say, “Damn you look good!” but I wasn’t always that way so dating taller men to make myself feel better what one of the ways I dealt with my insecurities. I wonder if Dr. Who is listing his qualifications and credentials and financial assets (which are all quite impressive) as a way of compensating for how he has been made to feel by society (and in part by women like me) about his height and what is considered “desirable” and “aesthetically pleasing?”

              You make a good point about money and love. Choosing someone for their finances is just another form of being shallow, but at what point is shallow actually, to some extent, practical? I have tried dating shorten men and eventually my eyes start to wander because I just don’t find myself all that sexually attracted to them. Why would I want to set myself up for failure by trying to force a relationship with someone to whom I’m not attracted just to avoid being “shallow?” And, by that same token, if finances are important to you and you know that you want to have a certain lifestyle, it makes perfect sense to consider your potential partner’s portfolio as part of the overall package. For me, that’s not as important but I don’t think I could blame someone who knows him or herself well enough to know that certain things matter more to them than others.

              Reply
              • Jason D

                Though I’ve been blunt, annoying, and probably a downright putz about your whole post, I must admit your writing elicited an amazing amount of dialogue and thoughtfulness among everyone who posted. I may not agree with you, and many of the things you wrote irritated me. But, maybe I judged to quickly, and you’re not actually the superficial person I call you. But, certainly you judge too quickly when you dispose of a man because of his height. I’ve been with short women, tall women, skinny women, fat women, etc… The most important things to me are sense of humor, intelligence, chemistry and good conversation. Sorry, but you just can’t get the full essence of a person by their size.

                Reply
                • Jason D

                  by “been with”…I mean dated and not “hooked up” with, just to make that clear.

              • Stephen

                Kat, this thread is kinda like Godfather III, “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!”

                Since I’m still getting emails of new posts, I have new stuff to report, which might be helpful to people. The woman at the singles event (above) ultimately didn’t work out, but she lead me to a group on meetup.com. I go to this group regularly now, and even though it’s primarily a singles group, people are not aggressively trying to get dates every time. It’s more of a group of friends who meet regularly. And I’ve made so many friends — both men and women — in the last (almost) 5 months! I’m new to Austin, so this has been great.

                In fact, last night 10 of us had an Oscars party that was not an official group activity.

                I am now utterly convinced that online dating is a highly flawed and sometimes even dishonest tool for meeting people. I quit my online profiles. Meetup.com is the way to go, imho. (Or something like it, and I don’t have any affiliation to them. I only discovered them in October.)

                The reason it’s cool is that you meet actual people in person. You take in their full energy. Not just some 2 dimensional representation of what they want you to see. And if you’re in a well run group, you get to know them over some time.

                There is a woman in the group that I always thought was attractive. I didn’t know her age (and still don’t), but my assumption was that she was about 8-10 years older than me. So I didn’t ask her out. Because in my head, my “girlfriend” is about 10 years younger than me (or maybe even younger than that in my insane irrational fantasy world).

                But I got to know this woman over time, over about 3 months in our meetings which were 1-2 times a week. And finally I had a serious talk with myself, “Get out of your head. You’re attracted to her. Live in the moment.”

                So I asked her out. Both of us are past the kid stage — have kids who have flown the nest or are about to fly. So there’s no timetable or ticking clock. We can just “be” and enjoy each other. She’s got a great job, so she doesn’t need me to take care of her with money. (Though I paid for the first few dates because I think that’s just a nice “man” thing to do.)

                It’s been about 3 weeks now. She’s awesome. It’s been fun. I’m glad I allowed my brain to be more open.

                Reply
                • Kelly

                  Good for you Stephen! Congrats on finding a great woman and meeting some great new people! I agree with you about online dating. It works for some people, but I’m not so sure the success rate outweighs the lack of success most people seem to have online. I did the online dating thing for about 5 years on and off. Nothing. Ever. Happened. eHarmony had paired me with over 400 guys in my last year of online dating and I never got beyond a 2 month “relationship” with the guys I was, sort of seeing. When I finally chose to end my subscription I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I was finally really putting myself out there into the universe (instead of sitting behind a computer screen). I hadn’t even technically put myself out there when I got a text from a good friend who told me she and her coworker had someone they wanted me to meet. Turns out he was also on eHarmony, but we were never matched. Well, we just celebrated our official one year anniversary on Valentine’s Day (cheesy I know haha!), we are madly in love, and we are planning on moving in together soon. Like I said, online dating works for some people, but for those who are struggling, it helps to get out of you own head and try a new way to meet people. And be open to a different “look”. My boyfriend is the same height as me and has blonde hair. I always pictured myself with a man who was at least 6 inches taller than me. And blonde hair on a guy? Me?! Eww! My boyfriend is the only blonde haired man I have ever found attractive and to me, he is the most attractive man on the planet.

          • Linda

            It’s unfortunate that there are places like eHarmony that promise compatible matches but don’t consider what their customers are looking for. I tried eHarmony, simply looking for a man, without a wife or ex-wife, that has at least a moderate level of intelligence, and basic morals. That doesn’t sound like to much to ask for to me; but, apparently its the “impossible dream” for eHarmony. I am a widow with a firm belief in “til death do us part” and am only interested in being in a person with the same belief. Does that make me a bad person? I think not, but apparently eHarmony can not respect my choices.

            Reply
            • Kat Richter

              Yeah, I am definitely not a fan of eHarmony. I am sorry to hear of your loss and wish you the best of luck in your search! Have you had any better luck with some of the other sites?

              Reply
              • Linda

                I’m sorry to say that all of the other dating sites seem to gather more than their fair share of men that I would never consider going out with as well. There have been dozens who are “in love” with me instantly, and almost as many who have asked for money after a few messages. Being a widow must draw the scammers out. I guess they think being a widow makes a woman an easy target. Thanks for the condolences. I am blessed to have known what true love and romance is. At least I have many GOOD memories.

                Reply
          • Bob

            Maybe it isn’t so much your height as the fact that you are obviously impressed with yourself. Confident is one thing. Smug and self-important is another. And your narcissism/self-involvement likely came across in how you described yourself in your profile.

            Reply
          • Suzanne

            I’m so sorry you lost the love of your life. Most of us never get to have that.

            Reply
    • Jason D

      I agree with Dennis Hong, only I am going to get even more blunt.

      You sound selfish, judgmental, superficial and prejudice against men that don’t meet your height requirements. You’re way too picky, and your personality, judging by this post is downright frightening. After reading this, I would not date you. I can’t imagine what your profile says, or how your eHarmony match score came out. Have you ever considered going on real dates, acting like the princess you do here, and seeing how quality guys with good self-esteem respond. I think you would totally turn them off.

      Reply
      • Elobilo

        Sorry, but physical attributes do matter, and she’s just being honest. It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder and possibly should be starting to look a bit more at yourself than rant here.

        Reply
        • Jason D

          Yeah, I woke up today feeling like that was pretty harsh. But, our superficial culture irritates me.

          Reply
      • Jason D

        Unless you found one as shallow, and tall as you. I hope you find the “perfect” knight in shining armor” you are looking for, I really do. But, love is based on so much more than superficial qualities. True love is not determined by height discrepancies. Sorry I was so harsh to you earlier. Much of our culture is just like you, and you’ll have no problem eventually finding a tall, narcissist to love. Happy hunting, and you really did do some nice investigative work on eHarmony. I appreciated that. 🙂

        Reply
  2. Grey Goose, Dirty

    sorry Dennis, I’m with Kat on this one. I am on E-Harm as well (and going to test out your theory Kat *fingers crossed*) and am 5’10” tall (6’1″ in heels). They insist on sending matches that are anywhere from 5’6″ to 5’9″. I certainly don’t need any help feeling like an amazon woman as I tower over my date, so although I have ‘lowered’ my height requirement to 5’10”, I refuse to date anyone shorter.

    Reply
    • Dennis Hong

      I don’t think Kat’s 5’10”. But, I may be wrong.

      Ya know, I am kinda curious now how tall she is. Because how shallow I think she is will likely be dependent on her actual height. 😉

      For the record, I know women who want their guys to be at least a foot taller. Now THAT’s ridiculous, if you ask me.

      Reply
    • whatknot

      I have the opposite problem: I’m 6’3″, and eharmony keeps matching me up with women 4’11”-5’3″. Sorry.. I’m getting to the point where lower back and neck pain are a real concern. Honestly, I’ve had more luck with the “near miss” matches. So, Grey: where do you live? maybe e-harm will match us up one day LOL.

      Reply
        • Dennis Hong

          Settings → Sharing, scroll down to the bottom, check “Comment Likes are on for all comment.” 😉

          Somehow, I’m still subscribed to this thread….

          Reply
            • Brock

              Kat, I love you!! Haha you seem like a fun date. I’m 5’10 dark hair, eyes, muscular build, Italian and wealthy, let’s go on a date!

              Reply
            • Jennifer Russo

              just read this article. Thank you so much. I am getting tired getting set up with men that just aren’t my type. It makes me thing my personality test was all wrong.

              Reply
                • Rick

                  Well, in all honesty, you wouldn’t know what their personalities are like because you immediately discount the men based upon their height…..

  3. Jennifer

    I have to agree with Kat at this point. Yes, in some respects it is shallow. But you have to think about it this way. When you look at a room full of people, there are certain things that attract you more than others. For example, blondes, butts, green eyes. Height is just one of those things. For Kat to say that she is only looking for tall men, is no different than saying I am looking for blonde women. Personally, I am looking for Prince Charming… but don’t tell my husband. 🙂

    Reply
      • greg

        Kat, as someone 5’6 I want to tell you how shallow hurtful you comments are–not just to non-tall men, but to yourself, since you’re unfairly blocking a large portion of potentially great matches, then complaining about it. Women insisting on men much taller than they are. It is no different than if I guy would insist on women with large boobs. I suspect you’d be the first to find that shallow, so please consider the double standard. Your comments about not asking for someone with certain dance skills are ironic, because a person can learn to dance. They can’t change their height.

        Reply
        • Katie

          I’ve dated plenty of small & smallish guys & some tall ones too. I have no idea what this fascination with height is all about. I’m 5’3″ & one boyfriend was definitely my height & we fit together great & he was sexy & manly. I “towered” over him in heels, but who the hell cares? I’m secure enough to be taller & heavier than my guy. All that testosterone makes guys so strong, so they can always lift a woman up & say ur light as a feather…and isn’t that all that matters? My littlest guy happened to be crazy, but that’s totally unrelated issue!

          Reply
        • Rick

          I found the dancing comment incredibly ironic as well.. Lol. I’d understand that requirement much more. Well Greg, there’s a reason why this woman is still single…. It’s her loss.

          Reply
  4. Kat Richter

    Thanks, Grey Goose 🙂

    As for your observation Dennis… 🙂 I’m not getting shallow; I have always been shallow in regards to this particular matter. (My brother gives me a hard time about this too.) I’m not quite 5’10” but I’m at least that in heels (and seeing as I wear heels on nine of out of ten dates, I might as well be).

    Also, my father happens to be a foot taller than my mother, so I am genetically predisposed to think this sort of height variance is not only normal but desirable (my parents will have been married for 29 years next month)!

    Now I’m not saying that height determines happiness, but it does (at least in my case) determine sexiness. By which I mean the degree to which I feel sexy on a date. When I find myself towering over someone, its as if I’m back in high school again, dancing in the back row because I was always too tall to stand in front! And who wants to be reminded of how awkward they were in high school?

    Reply
  5. Dennis Hong

    It’s not a matter of being outnumbered or outvoted here. If y’all are willing to admit that you’re shallow, fair enough.

    Just don’t complain then when guys do the same thing…. 😉

    Reply
  6. Debbie

    AMEN SISTER! As a fellow 5’9″ fabulous female I say ask for what you want! We are allowed to have preferences for other parts of our lives. Why not this? Why is height any different from religious preference, location, education, or any of the other crazy questions on the list. Give me a break Dennis…are you willing to date anyone? I’m sure you probably have your “shallow” preferences somewhere as well. This is the world we live in. On line dating is about putting people into categories. Deal with it… At least Kat (and many others of us as well) are willing to be straight up about it.

    Reply
    • Dennis Hong

      Yes, I do try to keep an open mind, actually.

      Like I said, though, if you wanna be shallow, go right ahead. Just don’t put guys to a double-standard and start calling us shallow or getting annoyed when we judge you ladies for just as superficial qualities.

      Regardless, the only reason I told Kat her attitude bothers me is because we write together on a group blog that supposedly tries to be not so shallow.

      Reply
  7. Jill

    I knew a girl who only wanted to date linebacker types because they made her feel “tiny.” Freud would have so much work if he weren’t dead.

    Reply
  8. wordofsoia

    Dennis, Sorry to say but Im with Kat on this one. My Past two ex’s were 6’7″ and 6’3″.
    Height is a big pre-requisite in my books.
    Especially for the fact Im a High Heel obsessive.
    I could never do a Nicole and Tom situation.
    Kat – Stick to your guns lady, and make sure you get a nice pair of HIGH heels for the date the PSM when he asks you out.

    Reply
  9. Your Landlord

    Wow, what a debate…not sure if shallow is the word, Dennis…basing something on height is different than looks or size of breasts, etc. Height has some practical aspects, and as I know Kat is OVER 5′ 10″ in heels, (really doesn’t take much) and she loves to dance, and wear slightly glam clothes (although bought on a budget) there is more going on here than meets the eye. I guess I am saying that if you do choose to view the height requirement as shallow, it would be a “1” and not a “10” on the degree of shallowness scale…although I have been called a “poacher” by Kat for dating/liking tall men and then marrying one 😉

    I don’t believe “uggo” or “fatty” is synonymous with short as an insult, but that is just my humble (and short) opinion 😉

    Reply
    • Dennis Hong

      Ahem. Just to play devil’s advocate, from an evolutionary perspective, breast size, waist-to-hip ratio, facial symmetry, and overall body size all have a TON of practical aspects….

      Reply
  10. sarahnsh

    All of my ex’s were shorter than me and my fiancee is more than an inch or so taller than me. Having dated shorter guys before I gotta say it is pretty fantastic to be with someone who is taller than me and I definitely do love that. It just always felt off being with a shorter guy and obviously those relationships didn’t work out.

    Reply
    • Lola

      I’d have to agree, I am really a flexible girl when it comes to guys appearance. I have been in love with all types, shapes and sizes, and I’ve dated a guy very seriously who was quite a bit shorter then me.

      I fall in love with a guy, and he is the most handsome man in the world after that!

      Which is great, but as I get older, I realize the height issue is a bit more of a practical concern.

      When a man is shorter then a woman I feel both parties feel insecure. I don’t think it’s a one sided issue, I think men prefer to be with women who are a bit shorter, or same height as themselves.

      It is about comfort, when you kiss, is it comfortable? When you cuddle do you feel comfortable, or awkward?

      I don’t think these concerns are shallow, or not to the same degree as other ways of being shallow.

      I was totally enamoured with the guy who was shorter then I was, but I feel like dating someone taller then himself made him feel emasculated.

      I also got this sense our bodies didn’t “fit” together- during kissing standing up, cuddling, sex, and hugging. I found it to be mildly interruptive to feeling intimate together.

      Reply
  11. h&hs

    I can somewhat understand Dennis’ point. On one hand, I’ve heard girls mention that height in a guy makes her feel secure and feminine. On the other hand, I think guys can make the same argument about breast size, butt size, looks, etc. These things make guys feel like the “cock of the walk” haha..

    I feel like these attraction tendencies are part of life and are healthy when not taken too far. Where I’ve seen guys get frustrated is when girls bring up height and insuate that “guys just wouldn’t understand” and then when men bring up physical measurements and there’s no out other than that we’re pigs (which I’m not saying anyone is doing here, just adding my 2 cents from a male’s perspective).

    Reply
  12. Ted

    I am not gonna comment on the personal preferences as they are personal preferences. Shallow or not, we all have our own preferences.

    Anyway, from what I read about eharmony is that, for the most part, (prior to Kat’s experimentation to trick the system) the “matches” would usually be inactive or users you know you would rather not communicate with. I have a feeling that the closer you are to your expiration date is when its “algorithm” finally sends in the decent to good matches.

    Anyway, I hope this new PSM sweeps you off your feet! Or at least creates some more fun entries!

    Reply
    • Ryan

      Wow, great point, Ted! I hope that E-Harmony isn’t holding out on us. In that case, better to re-new monthly…

      Reply
    • Kelly McFerran

      Ted, I couldn’t agree more! I have about two months left at eH and I am noticing that all of a sudden my matches are guys I would actually want to date. It got me thinking…they just want more of my money! Great system eH. I’m done with them. And wow, way to rip on Dennis. Poor guy! But everyone has had good points on this discussions. Two bad I’m two years late! Good luck to all in the dating world!

      Reply
  13. Wink'd

    Had three friends once who were all 6 feet tall. Height was for them a serious issue. I’m a rather tall gal myself, so I can understand the struggle.

    I know I like feeling wrapped up in a man’s arms. Then again, I’ve got friends who absolutely adore being the taller one.

    Different strokes for different folks, I suppose?

    Fun post 😉

    Reply
  14. borntowalkalone

    I was recently told by a fellow blogger here, clarely, to start approaching the taller women because she said they may find it hard to date as many men might be passing them by over issues with height. She stated she was 5’10, so she obviously knows what she’s talking about from personal experience.

    She said tall women may be more open to dating me than I might think. On the other hand, I get to read stuff like this. Prior to her comment, I was typically only browsing anything at or below 5’7, seeing as how I’m 5’9, but even someone 5’8 isn’t off my list. I specifically avoided 5’10 and above because I was under the impression that they felt like the women posting comments here. When heels enter the discussion, I’m even more self conscious about my own height, so I learned over time to stop messaging women who are even 5’7 and 5’8. Crossing someone off the list over shoes is indeed a shallow practice. I’m not saying you have no right to wear heels, but I find it absurd to dismiss a man just because of an accessory.

    You may be expressing your own personal preferences, but you are conditioning men to avoid perfectly suitable dates because we start believing in a world where women want to date much taller men. I honestly want to date a woman for who she is as a person, but I’ve chosen not to write some surprisingly outstanding women because I believe they think like you. I’m missing out. They’re missing out. You’re missing out.

    Just thought I should make you aware of the potential damage you’re doing to the dating world.

    Reply
    • christianpundit

      I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but … unless you carry a tape measure around with you everywhere and make every one line up to get measured, I have my doubts you can tell within a precise inch that someone is exactly 5 ft 8 in, vs 5 ft 7 in, vs 5 ft 6 in etc.

      If you can nail height that info perfectly each time just by looking at people, you have an interesting ability.

      Anyway though, good luck to you in getting dates.

      Reply
    • Rick

      I’m 5’7 & I’ve had better luck with women 5’6+ than women under 5’2ish.. The shorter women seem to be MUCH more hung-up on height.

      Reply
  15. Feel the Burn | Slow Down, Son

    […] just turned off my eHarmony subscription.  Or rather, suspended it and I’m trying Kat’s trick in hopes that works.  So far my matches aren’t what I’m looking for.  I also think […]

    Reply
  16. kate

    I’m late to the discussion, but as a 5’9″ woman, I too am beginning to think I should only look for taller men. It has nothing to do with heels or how I want to feel in his arms. It has to do with the fact that the shorter men I’ve dated always had a complex that they had to make up for their height. They had to be tougher or more successful or richer, never just themselves. If I could find a man under 5’9″ that was ok with his height and genuine, I’d have no problem dating him.

    Reply
    • Greg

      Gee, if some had a complex maybe it was because of all the superficial women who rejected them based on height. Although I am 5’6″, I have no complex. However, I can’t count the times even women shorter than me –sometimes several inches shorter – told me I wasn’t tall enough for them. I am not opposed to women wanting a guy approximately their height or even a little taller. But to insist on them being a half foot or more taller is absurd, and in my view, as shallow as a guy insisting on D cups. It’s also unfair to both people. Many don’t even seem to realize how severely they are reducing their own dating pool with such “preferences”. Then they turn around and complain how hard it is to meet good people.

      Reply
      • Rick

        Lol, no kidding.. and they wonder why shorter men try to overcompensate, because they HAVE to.. Lol..

        Reply
  17. Michael

    I think Kat is well within her rights, and I certainly think I’m well within my rights to hide all the overweight women that eH sends to me. Perhaps we’re both shallow.

    The weight issue is a bit of a trick with eH, because there is no screening for body type, and some women work very hard (or simply lie) to conceal their weight. I would imagine men do the same with height and weight.

    Reply
    • Greg

      Let’s not forget… a person can reduce their weight. They can’t do much about their height.

      Reply
  18. Victoria

    Poor little Dennis, I’m going to go ahead and assume he’s a miniature himself. There’s plenty of little women for the little men out there, what’s the big deal? Height is one of an infinite number of preferences – it’s completely acceptable. So if some tall, hot girl deletes you or doesn’t respond to your msg, wellll – take some comfort in knowing it’s NOT because you’re not good-looking/sweet/successful…it’s just because you’re short 😉

    Reply
    • Greg

      The big deal is that a large percentage of women have unreasonable height requirements – often insisting on men several or more inches taller than themselves. It’s also a big deal because it hurts and is frustrating to get frequently rejected or not even given a chance over a superficial reason, especially one you can’t do anything about. You expect us to “take comfort” in that? Would you tell a women to “take comfort” if a large percentage of men rejected them because they didn’t have D cup breasts? I doubt it. They are similar, and the double standard is unfair, any way you slice it.

      Reply
  19. Human

    My take: if I were to pay for 5-10 quality (highly compatible) matches a day, then I should get at least 50% (3-7) of that, daily. Turning off an account for a week or more, is simply short-changing yourself.

    If eHarmony is unable to deliver on their promise, then it should be called out as such — eHarmonys messaging is misleading, because it we all know that they ration their match deliviery to maximize profit. That is, if you pay for just a month, you get ~10 good matches. If you pay for a 3 months subscription, you get ~30 good matches. The more you pay for, the more you get — that’s the algorithm.

    Algorithm: most people think that they are compatible with (whomever they consider) good looking. eHarmony sends (your definition of)

    Reply
  20. Jim

    “Not quite 5’10” but at least that in heels” …hmmm. That means you’re 5’6″” Kat. ..or 5’7″ on your toes. Sounds like a typical eharmony profile…the reality is a little different from the enhanced profile. You’ll get found out on the first date!

    Reply
  21. underwaterrr

    I have serious doubts about EH’s so-called compatibility matching algorithms.
    I just let my membership expire after about a year of using EH. I would click on the What If button, and see some “What If” matches. A few days later, those guys would show up as an “Match”! If made me skeptical that EH was just rationing matches and that the compatibility criteria are not actually what they say. Not surprising. EH makes you feel like the next “perfect match” is just around the bend, in your next daily matches email. And once I decided to sign off, EH began bombarding me with incompatible men (super short, smokers, sedentary guys…)…I’m 5’9 and a fitness enthusiast!

    I have had mixed experiences with EH. I had a long distance “relationship” with a man who turned out to be a narcissist (we met, and visited a few times). The fact that I was “compatible” with a raging case of narcissistic personality disorder was concerning. But I guess people can answer those questions however they want – and he was smart and manipulative enough to game the system.

    I did meet several nice guys. One became a friend. Several were good guys, just lacked the spark. However, the men of my dating pool (South Florida) are super shallow. I would occasionally turn on nationwide matching and get some awesome guys, which always made me want to move away. I stopped that because it just made me feel worse about my prospects locally, and a long distance relationship is just so unrealistic.

    Reply
  22. Adrian

    I’m on Eharmony what I would say is that some of options they use to match with are a little bit on the flaky side to say the least for instance you are matched because you both like “dramas” ok that is technically a match but only just.

    To me I get way to many matches to say that they are all a good match. cynically do they have a heart and breath ok there a match!

    Reply
  23. Raj

    I know it’s an old post, but it came up top on Google search hits. So I thought to share my view.

    Unfortunately, height seems to be a very important criteria in this society. I’m a short (5’3″) guy and I sometime feel disappointed when I see that otherwise highly compatible matches are few inches taller than me and would not prefer to date short guys. So I guess, tall women and short men have to keep looking and keep the spirits up for the right person to come into their lives.

    By the way, I don’t know how exactly the eharmony matching works, but I have a feeling that this type of algorithm matching may potentially discard the ‘right’ match.(% of same answering etc) I mean, the partners should complement and complete each other. May be an aggressive male would match better with a calm female. Also people adapt, learn new things and change between 25-35 yrs and partners play a role in their psychological development. I had been reading about the Myers-Briggs Types and apparently the matching is not that straight forward.

    I recently made an eharmony profile and after using it for a few days I’m still wondering whether I should be a paid member and whether the site is as good as it advertises. Good luck to everyone.

    Reply
    • Steve

      I agree everyone is entitled to their preferences. I’m a tall guy – 6’4″, and I’m really only attracted to short, petite women – like around 5’3″ or shorter. Being over a foot taller than my partner just FEELS right. I don’t want to date some Amazon woman – which for me is 5’8″ or taller. I find those types often tend to be self-conscious and insecure about their height. And when they wear heels, I can’t tower over them like a man should.

      I’m on a couple online dating sites, and I find that tall women are constantly sending me messages, winks, etc. When I explain I only date short women, they get upset!

      Are there tall women out there who are otherwise physically attractive to me, and who would be a kind, loving, and loyal partner? Sure there are. Will my refusal to date them based on their height make my search harder? Yep. But it’s MY preference, and in the end I know I’ll be happier for staying true to myself.

      Reply
      • Megan

        > I don’t want to date some Amazon woman – which for me is 5’8″ or taller. I find those types often tend to be self-conscious and insecure about their height. And when they wear heels, I can’t tower over them like a man should.

        Wow! Where are you from? 10,000 BC?

        I would love to have eHarmony filter my matches based on answers to questions. That way I can avoid getting matched with people like this. Otherwise I’d be wasting my time over them for several dates before I hear them speak their mind. It’s not the height thing here, it’s the “opinion” about how men and women should be.

        Reply
        • Stephen

          So funny! Megan’s mad at Steve for doing exact thing Kat did. Am I wrong here? Is Kat from 10,000 BC too?

          Reply
      • Greg

        Steve, I feel to be fair to the women I’ve criticized because they insist on men several inches taller than them, your even more shallow – insisting on women at least 13″. You are undoubtedly rejecting and hurting countless fine women because of that, besides severely reducing your own dating pool. You can try to rationalize it by saying you have to be true to yourself, but it doesn’t sound like you’re being even a little open minded or giving women a chance who by any reasonable measure would be of compatible height to you. If that is your true self, I think you ought to reevaluate who you are. Having some reasonable physical requirements is one thing, but yours are extreme. In short, if you can’t feel comfortable dating a women even several inches shorter than yourself, you’re not really tall. You’re quite small.

        Reply
  24. Lola

    Steve, your comment baffles me. You have closed yourself off to a variety of attractive woman, both intellectually and physically, by being so specific.

    I don’t believe it is ever true to oneself to close themselves off from meeting new people. That is not true. That is denying yourself of knowing and loving woman in a real honest…true way!

    I believe it is the same for woman who are overly picky about a mans height or appearance.

    Come on people,

    love trumps all!

    It exists outside of these petty details people don’t match up to!

    Give your hearts a shake and recognize any disapproval you have towards someone’s physical appearance is a projection of your own self image onto others.

    If you are judging potential loves on small details, you are missing the point. You also must be judging yourself as harshly! And holding your own self to these silly standards! That isn’t fair to you!

    If you are caught up by these specifics, you are trying NOT to meet people, and isn’t that the point, to meet many people, to learn, to grow, to find truths about ourselves, so we can one day find the person who fills our hearts, and sees us as as beautiful as we hope to be seen!

    Reply
    • Greg

      Lola, I did not read your reply to Steve until after I left mine. I could not agree with you more. I think we can all agree that having some preferences is fine, but we have to be a little open minded, and not immediately reject people off over extreme and rigid standards. It just makes dating and finding someone special all the harder for everyone.

      Reply
    • Jason D

      Lola, this is my favorite reply of the whole thread so far. You hit the nail on the head. People need to get to know each other for who they are as people before dismissing them for superficial reasons.

      Reply
  25. Megan

    I’m very late to this discussion, but I stumbled upon it from a Google search.

    I’m with Dennis on the height issue.

    I value a partner based on their intellect, long-term potential, values, education, career, empathy, ability to be a reliable mate.

    If you notice, height doesn’t fall anywhere in there. Yes, I love my heels, but I don’t have to wear them everyday. Yes, I love being dominated in bed, but that doesn’t imply I need a Neanderthal or a giant.

    From evolutionary biology, it wasn’t height or physical strength that put humans at the top of the food chain. No man’s physical strength could defend us from the lions or even from a pack of little hyenas. It was intellect that made us strong. Our ancestor females picked intellect in their mates.

    These days, we are raised with social pressures from the cradle (starting with the pink-blue nonsense which was reverse less than a century ago). Our social pressures makes us spend money on things we don’t have, conform to rules which little kids can cook up in their imaginary role plays, and choose irrationally.

    To Dennis, Raj and other men, if you can stop your shallowness about choosing based on women’s appearance, I’m sure there are at least a few women who won’t focus on height.

    Most men are intimidated by my education, job title, patents, etc Men approach me based on my appearance. However, I have to underplay all my accomplishments to get most men to speak with me for too long unless they are much older than I and secure in their careers. It’s not your heights or my appearance that are my challenges with dating, it’s your egos.

    My shallowness is not with height, it is with age. I need someone closer to my age who is secure about himself.

    About women who choose based on height, you should thank them for eliminating themselves from your dating pool. If they are shallow about that, they must be shallow and insecure about other things in life too. Instead of worrying about those women, focus on the ones that do count.

    Reply
    • Greg

      Megan,
      Thanks for all you wrote. I especially like your closing comments. While it is frustrating and sometimes painful to be rejected by women over height (especially by women several inches shorter than ourselves!), you’re right: if a women is that shallow, she’s probably not someone I’d want to be with long term anyway. Once a women about 5 inches shorter than me told me she didn’t want to go out because “you’re too short for me.” I felt like saying, that’s fine, “because you’re too shallow for me.” I’ve never done that, but maybe some women need to hear that.

      Reply
  26. Overit

    Personally, I find very short women extremely attractive. I’m 5’11” and have never met a grown woman too short, that being said, I have found that many times even a woman who is 4’10” prefers men well over 6′ tall. I don’t mind a few extra pounds either, but a lot of fairly heavy women still insist on washboard abs in a guy. Would I ever date a woman taller than me? Absolutely, and be proud to show her off – but odds are she thinks like you ladies do, so it probably won’t ever happen. As men, a few of us are “all that”, but most aren’t – and we (those who aren’t) generally just want 1 woman all to ourselves, that’s it. Women seem willing to settle for dating a really hot/rich/powerful guy even if he maintains a harem. What many ignore (at their own peril) is that when you’ve spent your youth always trying to “upgrade”, you eventually really won’t have anything left that even an average guy would want. By then, most men have figured out that adoring a woman gets you abused, that modern women are wealthy and powerful (good for you), but offer nothing to the man as a benefit (No one wants to be a housewife, so none of you ever learn how, and we generally don’t want to have children in grade school when we hit our 60’s; do the math.) except sex,which he can find without high pressure dating and neverending competition. By the way, we don’t care about your money, and if you find a man who does, he’s probably looking to steal it. Look it up ladies; men of all ages are dropping out of this race altogether. Good thing you don’t need us anymore. Enjoy your spot in the harem while it lasts, – oh, and learn to love cats. 🙂

    Reply
  27. Fuck yall

    You shitting me? Dennis has been right all along. This is the most shallow post I’ve ever read, and everyone who agrees with Kat is a hypocrite unless you’re strutting around with your double D’s.

    Reply
    • sueshe1980

      As a woman, I’ve always held to the premise that a man better be pretty darn attractive himself if he wants an attractive woman… now, after reading this, I say the same goes for women too.

      Reply
      • cj

        not true, you have to take into consideration the make-up factor… many women lose a few points on the attractive meter once the make up is removed. women are too spoiled these days.

        Reply
    • cj

      exactly… sick of these mediocre looking women (and that’s WITH make up on), giving their ultimatums even before marriage starts… nutbar factor 7

      Reply
  28. sueshe1980

    As a woman, I’ve always held to the premise that a man better be pretty darn attractive himself if he wants an attractive woman… now, after reading this, I say the same goes for women too.

    Reply
    • Kat Richter

      Because I have to moderate all first time comments. You’re up now though and will be able to post whatever you like in the future.

      Reply
  29. Melinda Lou

    Not quite sure how I ended up here, especially since this post is from a few years ago! But I just may try this as well. I have pretty open match settings in nearly every aspect except for religious beliefs (because that is SUPER important to me) and I am still getting the worst matches… I mean, guys who can’t even write a coherent paragraph or spell normal English words. I realize that not everyone is a genius, but there has to be something to work with.

    As a side note, I don’t think it’s shallow to know what you want physically. Looks do matter, even if they’re not the most important aspect. If there is absolutely no physical attraction whatsoever, then making a relationship work is going to be rather difficult. I’m rather short (5’4″) and on the heavier side (not plus size, but definitely not skinny by any means). I know there are guys out there who don’t find me attractive, and therefore don’t want to take the time to get to know me. It sucks, but it happens. Same goes for women. If I read a match’s profile and he seems really nice, but I can tell from his pictures that I am not even the least bit attracted to him (and I’m talking, no features that seem like they could grow on me) then I probably won’t send him a message. It happens. It’s chemistry. So, to make a long story short (too late!), having physical/appearance requirements is perfectly acceptable, so long as you don’t focus entirely on those requirements and realize that it means you will have a harder time finding someone 🙂 Kudos, Kat!

    Reply
    • Kat Richter

      Thanks Melinda, good luck in your search! Have you tried some of the more niche sites that match people with specific religious beliefs? You might have better results with those 🙂

      Reply
  30. Marco

    Oh the height issue! Hahaha. I know this subject way too long because I am merely 5′ 2.5″. Yes .5. Anyway.. that is without shoes on. This is one of the two main problems I have had in all of my dating life. I am 49 now. And still looking. My problem is the height and the gray hair since age 18.

    I wrote my autobiography so I do not want to write again but I will try to be brief. I am very talkative. Anyway, when I was younger, it was more of the hair that scared away women my age or younger as I got older. Still the same today. And I wanted to have children.. i could not thanks to that problem.. I do not want to be a clown by dying my hair! Hence, the same with the make ups women have on. No offense but I call them clowns.

    Make ups and dying hair hides the real you.

    But on the other hand, the height, I can not be as tall as one of those NBA guys or even tall as the Late Robert Pershing Wadlow (in World’s Record books). The problem with women with height I can see are mostly taller and way few shorter than I am. The shorter ones say I am too short for them! HUH!? They are like 4′ 7″ to my height of 5′ 2.5″ what gives!? Losers.

    Their loss! I do like a woman in stilettos and heels and to me height does not matter to me. It is the bedroom that makes the differences! Oh yes! Huge difference! Have you noticed that, ladies? Don’t lie.

    I was never a paid member of eH. Because right before I thought of signing up, I found out many men my height or shorter gets discriminated. I even heard a lawsuit about that. And the filing with BBB about eH. (why you think now they are not advertising much on tv anymore?)

    I refused to sign up. No way. Not a single PAID dating site.

    Only women that are willing to accept me for my height are the Filipinas!! Long distance, the legal complication to marry one, or to move there.. you name it.. forget it.

    American women, no offense, are more spoiled, more too focused on appearance. I am bitterly disappointed and saw how shallow women are with their height choices.

    By the way, I DID date women like 5′ 6″ (engaged to that one but broke off due to her cheating on me because she admitted to me she wanted TALLER AND BIGGER man!) Stupid! and 2 six-feet tall women but they both just got out of marriage and were not ready. Just wrong time. Great women. Even made out with them! They realized height isn’t important. My humor is. I am not saying humor in this comment because I am dead serious on how wrong attitude women are.

    You will have to read my autobio when it comes out.. You will know.

    One more thing I did not say is a third barrier I face: I am Deaf. I am more of a “Hearing” person on how I was raised and believed in things. So I have triple handicap of searching someone. Hearing women say I am too deaf and afraid to communicate with me. Deaf women are avoiding me because they wanted someone so radical true-to-core Deaf man with same beliefs that Deaf are better than Hearing. I am not like that.

    I also did not say one more let alone.. My Christian faith is also limiting the pool too.

    Again, the book, watch out for it. It is about my hardships and experiences I endured all my life to this day!

    I am searching for my bride who is sweet, honest, kind, smart, beautiful, romantic, and LOVES ME for who I am! Period.

    Reply
    • cj

      actually, for the shorter ones it “makes sense” they are hoping their 4’10 and a match’s 5’10” will create a 5’7″ child… genetics don’t work like this however. The problem is the 6′ tall skanks who want a taller guy rather than a 5’7″ guy. The smartest and toughest and most attractive guys are within the 5’5 to 5’9″ range, so skanks miss out… too bad.

      Reply
  31. cj

    I apologize for my insensitive posts, it’s just that this article peed me off with it’s shallow, superficiality… unless that was the point… hmmm. I’ll have to think this over.

    Reply
  32. bob

    So she would turn down Tom Cruise? meanwhile, I make it a rule never to data a girl who’s heavier then me.

    Reply
    • Kat Richter

      Correct, I reserve the right to turn down Tom Cruise just as you reserve the right not to date a woman who is heavier than you.

      Reply
  33. Mark

    Hello guys, I stumbled across this thread from Google.

    I am a 5 foot 10 black dude. I see nothing wrong with having a height requirement,
    To each their own. For me personally, I tend to stay away from women who wear heels all the time.
    I tend to go for women who don’t wear much makeup and don’t need to dress up all the time.

    So if you are a shorter guy getting no from a taller woman.
    That’s because you are hitting on the wrong taller woman.
    If you are doing the whole online dating thing.

    Just look at how she carries herself in her photos.
    If you see a more of a barbie type of look with a lot a makeup and things like that.
    Most likely, this woman will care about things like height.

    I have no problem with Kat’s age requirement. When it comes to dating.
    I don’t believe there is a such thing as shallowness.

    Reply
  34. Lkk

    I’m just going to say this, don’t online date, there are only scammers and people that will play with you heart.
    Match.com is full of them.

    Reply
    • Kelly

      Not necessarily true Lkk. While I agree there are plenty of men/women out there online who will scam and play with your heart, there are just as many of them in the bars. You can’t get away from them no matter where you go. While eHarmony never matched me with the guy I am currently dating (we met through friends), he is seriously the best guy ever. Not a scammer or a player in any way. Great job eHarmony with the matching! That’s why people shouldn’t date online…these companies with their 29 dimensions of compatibility….their the scammers that just want our money. On another note, I completely understand people have their preferences and are attracted to who they are attracted to (tall versus short, larger versus skinny), but people need to stop being so close-minded. Give the short ones a chance. They are just as good if not better!

      Reply
      • Lkk

        I met my little Mexican sis in an online art galley, we have been really close for over a year, but when it comes to woman, I’m only a friend.
        I’m not the most attractive guy, but I’m loyal, kind, honest and trusting guy. I’m very shy except online, and part of the reason i tried online dating.
        I’m not too picky with looks.
        I like woman from 5’3″ to 6’0″ ok looking, cause I don’t want to hesitate if she wants to kiss me.
        I like longer hair, and nice collar bones, like the ones you can see.
        But online dating is like insurance, pay a lot and get nothing back, you’re better off saving it.
        The only thing 3 things I need from a woman, is her to be catholic, and love god.
        2nd her to love me
        3rd for her to be ok with physical punishment, there is a difference between abuse and dissapline.
        I thank god mom spanked me when I needed it

        Reply
        • Kat Richter

          Wow: love God, love you and be okay with physical punishment? Spanking a child is a completely different story from “disciplining” one’s spouse. Personally I don’t agree with either, and especially not the latter. I can’t imagine why you would want to marry someone who “needed” to be punished. Do you want to have the same type of relationship with your wife that a parent has with his/her child?

          Reply
          • Stephen

            I read this one as well, and at first I thought he meant that the wife/girlfriend had to be into the S&M scene. Then I read it a second time, and I think he was talking about agreeing on spanking children as a way to discipline. Why this would be so important and a deal breaker is odd. I can say Lkk, as a guy who spanked my daughter once in her life (to shock her when she touch a hot stove when she was 2 — it was a very controlled action), you can bring up a great child without using corporal punishment. I decided right after that I didn’t like how that felt to spank her, and I didn’t want to go that route (even though my folks occasionally spanked me). And the result is a 17 year old who is an honor student taking college level classes in high school, who is not yet into dating (I realize it’s coming at some point), who has an amazing sense of humor, and who still likes her parents. I think it’s about paying attention, spending time, and showing love.

            Reply
            • Kat Richter

              Yeah, S&M is totally different than wanting a wife who you plan to spank as a parent spanks a child. I am totally okay with the former as long as it is something that both parties are comfortable with (as opposed to the ridiculous and completely sadistic 50 Shades version of BDSM) but I think this is a different story.

              Reply
            • Lkk

              There are kids that don’t need it, and I’m not saying spank them when ever you can, but don’t be afraid to.
              Tell me, when kids were brought up during 1980s or so, was there not less crime? My mom can remember trust and not fearing people, physical do alpine teaches kids there are reactions to their actions, and they need to learn that the world is not all about themselves.
              I don’t like abuse, but I don’t like brats that scream their heads off when they go somewhere and not get something they want.
              I believe people would respect others if they felt pain caused by their own deeds.

              Reply
          • Lkk

            Whoa where do you get spouse abusual?
            I would never hurt my wife! Hurting woman is just wrong, woman should be held with honor and dignity.
            Second, if my kid where to hit his brother or sis, he would egg a light spank, why, cause it shows him the pain he inflicted, it shows him when he does something wrong, he will be held accountable and responsible for the pain they cause.
            Why would anyone allow their kids to do as they please?
            Today, I heard a kid cuss, and flick another kid off. If he is acting like this now, how would he act with a lady?
            How would he treat her?
            A child without any kind of discipline is not well raised

            Reply
            • Kat Richter

              Okay, well I don’t entirely agree with you here but I am glad you clarified. The way your original post was written led several of us to believe you were talking about hitting your potential wife, not spanking your potential kids.

              Reply
              • Lkk

                Yeah, sorry about that. Woman are not objects, or tools. They are loving caring people, more so then men. It’s saddens me when they try to act like men. Most men are jerks and pervs, and woman have their own things to deal with, without having to try and act like a man.
                Men and woman are not physically equal, but I believe they should have the same rights.
                I think that pedants that are not afraid to spank their kid when needed, are raising their kid right. Some kids don’t need it, while others a little more.
                I don’t believe in being unjust with your kid, but also not letting them do as they wish.
                If I could say something to every parent, it would be.
                When you tell your kid something, make it stick. Ie if you tell him/her that they can’t have something, don’t give it to them when they start throwing a fit.

                Reply
  35. Zach

    I’m a tall (6’5) but ugly guy, and I have to say ugly guys have it worse than anyone. I’d gladly give up an entire foot of my height to have a handsome face. I have been on eharmony, match, plenty of fish, okcupid, and a few other sites and have yet to find any success. I am tall, athletic, kind, educated, and have a great career that pays well, but what good does any of that do me when no woman can look past my face. The face is the first thing that a potential match sees from your profile, even before your height, age, etc. And I’m not messaging only supermodels, I’m messaging mosttly average and even below average looking women because I know I don’t even have a chance with the attractive ones, and I’m still not having success, even the below average women think they deserve Brad Pitt. So, short guys, quit complaining about your height becuase it could be worse, you could be in my shoes.

    Reply
  36. tommydamani

    What pisses me off with girls like you on dating websites is that you treat online dating like it’s tinder. Looks, looks and looks blinds you all from values and actual personality. People aren’t gonna be that “good looking” when you’re 50 and still single mate. Sure, everyone needs physical attraction and for sex but is getting your rocks off more important that sharing life’s journey? Maybe when you’re 18 years old. And clearly it is to you. Wake the f*ck up. And you ALL seem to go for a 10/10 or a 9/10 looks even though you are a 6/10 yourself. I’m sure both girls and boys do it. Everyone thinks they are hotter than they are. Everyone thinks they are ‘owed’ a hot person in life. But those people are all idiots. You’ve most likely breezed by a perfect match, dozens of times but your all too stupid to see it because you’re blinded by looks. Even though ‘love’ increases physical attraction 10 fold. But you’re all too impatient to wait for that. You want 10/10 looks NOW! “I DESERVE IT” You’re pathetic and will be alone forever or even worse, you’ll have your 10/10 good looking moron with sick abs who is an absolute asshole. One might argue that it is exactly your match.

    Reply
  37. Elobilo

    A match has to be physical as well as mental, no point in having a match with someone that doesn’t do it for you physically. Height is a physical attribute and one that many women have a primal desire for their partners to be taller, and doing so is not superficial. It’s fact and natural and being just honest- no point whining about it, just accept it as reality and carry on til you either find a person shorter than you, or a taller person that doesn’t care about height. These short people who are complaining, are you saying that yourself, you would be happy going out with a person 50kg overweight as long as she had a nice personality (or the opposite, anorexic thin), what about going out with a 4 foot dwarf yourself? What about if you liked large breasts and she had none, er even missing an arm or wheelchair bound? One of the most unattractive qualities for both sexes is whining!

    Reply
  38. Downboydown

    We’re within our rights to say what we prefer obviously, but it nonetheless comes across as a tinge nasty when people talk publicly about the lack of THEIR preference in a way that knocks everyone who doesn’t fit the bill. That’s what Dr. Who was sourcing I suspect, but I wouldn’t generalize about American women like he does because it’s in the nature of online dating to shop for bigger and better and what have you.

    Elobilo, a match doesn’t have to be physical as well as mental, it could be about rabbits and peanuts… in the right frame of mind. And in spanking, I think I’m a spanker not a spankee.

    Dudes complaining about online dating: grasp that it is NOT the women per say. Its the numbers. Most half decent women never even have to TRY online dating… there’s half a dozen blokes from her normal life that approach her. Meanwhile, guys who are ever eager to meet, greet and boink are online in spades! Get it?? So if you’re an above average dude wondering why oh why do you have to pick between little panda bear and miss piggy, don’t be confused much longer.

    Anyhoo one reason threads like these grow is because online dating companies can’t be bothered facilitating open discussions, or they moderate the life out of em. So discussions move to private blogs like this one. I was googling “eharmony removes last active” when I found this link…. basically, eHarm has removed the line that informs us when a match last logged in, which means they have carte blanch to send us 100% inactive profiles so of course I’m going to demand my money back.

    Abandon eHarm people and spend your money on marbles or gym memberships in the case of you overweight members. I’m 32 male 182 cm, athletic, somewhat intelligible, somewhat empathetic… and I can’t get any dates on eHarm cause I block em all. Yeah. Who wants to date fugly, or overweight, or slim and smarmy, or thinkity thinkers, or just moralizing dweebos like the rest of you here. Huh? Who??

    Reply
  39. Paper

    There’s enough eHarmony trolls on here that it makes me sick. You people suck. I’m going to make sure people know how horrible y’all really are. With ur bulls$$t advertisements. Money grabbing pricks.
    (Disclaimer) I’ve never had a fee trial or member ship(t) to
    Eharmony(efakery). They will rip you off though. Go ahead, try to sue me Eharmoney.(money crooks) I don’t have anything to myself and my family will desteoy you. READ IT HERE FOLKS. eHARMONY WILL ROB YOU OF YOUR MONEY!

    Reply
  40. TheLoc

    Yeah she is shallow but so are us men. If I’m looking to date someone online the first thing I notice are looks. It’s mean but hey its the truth. Then I will move forward reading the profile.
    In this age of time there is no reason for someone to be single unless your out selling your royal oats. There are plenty of sites, pof, eharmony, match and tinder that is available. If your not getting dates maybe it’s your approach, profile or pictures. To be blunt maybe your not that attractive. But I have seen many unattractive men win due to their status.
    Another subject I wish to touch. Yes height does matter a lot. When I join tinder the first thing I was ask was my height. My assumption is the fact a female want somone who is more dominant than themselves in physique. You guys have to understand a female has to feel protected when she is with her other and some may feel shorter men can’t provide it. Or it could be the fact they don’t wish to look down at their mate. I dunno but to be honest I prefer my mate shorter than myself and wouldn’t it be logical for female to vice versa.

    Reply
  41. luvmykids

    We all have our “preferences.” I won’t date average women who don’t have at least an active, athletic lifestyle. I am active. I am athletic. My lifestyle. As per being logical on height…well, love is illogical, irrational. I am shorter than average male, but have dated women 2 inches taller. They didn’t have an issue. Most do, but some don’t. My problem with eH is that many of the profiles are fake or no longer in existence. I wish they would at least eliminate the expired profiles. I have found more success with the women in the What If? than what eH gives. All in all, I have had the most success on eH. Good luck all.

    Reply
  42. Thomas

    The following is satire to encourage women to see what it would feel like if the gender roles and gender social conduct were reversed…

    Well, it is clear that the majority of women have decided that short men are not attractive enough to date, and therefor I will propose the following strict new policies that all men should adopt. (Side note * I apologize in advance to the short women that do actually find short men acceptable, this is not your fault.) The reason these rules are now in place is the result of the increasing opinion among the majority of women that being short as a man is not masculine, not attractive and not worthy of a lasting partner. It’s now time for all men to band together to take control of our bodies and take control of the situation. Here are the new rules:

    1) All men must stop partnering and mating with women that are shorter than 5’8”. Women that are shorter than 5’8″ are no longer good candidates for dating and they should not be regarded as attractive. Men must adopt new gender stereotypes (just as women have) and begin to regard women of short stature as less desirable. You will look weird standing next to them, especially if you love to wear dress shoes or boots. These women run the risk of producing short sons that will later be rejected by women and therefor you must not impregnate a woman that is below 5’8″. In other words, we must protect our future sons from the devastating height “preference”of women and we must protect our future sons from women that will ultimately crush their self esteem. We must ensure that future men are not faced with unfair pressures to grow tall and fit into conditioned gender stereotypes.

    2) Tall women that have short parents and/or short relatives still run the risk of producing short sons since these women may carry short statured genes, and therefore you should avoid dating and mating with these women, if possible.

    3) The short men a.k.a unattractive men that are still in existence must be strong and be proud. You must seek out tall women that are kind and independent thinkers…tall women that are seeking a man based on his character, interests, achievements, ethics, values and merit, and not his body type. This will be difficult, as these women are extremely rare, but they do exist and you must do your best to find them. It’s a tough road ahead, but if all men follow these rules we will soon be set free.

    4) If desperate times call for desperate measures, then the absolute shortest woman a man should partner with is 5’7″. A man must never ever lower his standards below 5’7”. If do, you must understand that you are in fact lowering your standards and others will judge you harshly. Women below 5’7″ are now useless to men in the dating pool. Women below 5’7″ should automatically be sent to the “friend zone.”

    5) Most women that are shorter than 5’8″ will have the “Tinker Bell Syndrome,” so you must be prepared to deal with many emotional challenges if you do in fact decide to interact with these women. Don’t be afraid to voice your opinion openly and publicly about tinker bell complexes. Don’t be afraid because any woman that challenges your facts about the tinker bell syndrome will be laughed at and humiliated. Women below 5’8″ that do not show signs of the tinker bell syndrome are excellent candidates for the friend zone. You need these friend zone women in your life to help give you insider dating advise, provide a shoulder to cry on if a tall woman breaks your heart, or even set you up on a dates with their tall women friends.

    6) This rule is not required, but you are encouraged to publish blog articles listing the many reasons why you’ll never date a short woman. Include logical reasoning such as not measuring up right during sex, tinker bell complex issues, the lack of confidence that short women express, the fact that you can’t wear your favorite shoes around them, or maybe say sorry it’s you and not them. Take your queues from these such articles and many others that you can easily find online:
    http://www.mtlblog.com/2015/09/10-reasons-why-ill-never-date-a-short-guy/#
    http://elitedaily.com/dating/truth-about-dating-short-guys/1218605/
    http://www.thedatereport.com/dating/opinion/sorry-short-guys-but-i-wont-date-you/

    7) If any woman questions you on these rules or becomes suspicious or if any woman challenges your freedom to openly express your feelings about short women, you will defend your stance at all costs and hold firm to these rules. To defend yourself you will claim that your decision to only date tall women is a hard wired biological “preference” and you will state that no one has the right to tell you what your “preferences” should and should not be. You will defend your “preference” by referring to the one short girl you dated in the past that lacked confidence and was jealous of other women. And when all else fails, you will put the blame on society…you will claim that as a child, disney movies such as Cinderella and Snow White conditioned you to prefer tall, pale and pretty women, and as you grew older female athletes such as Lisa Leslie and supermodels such as Gisele Bündchen conditioned you to be attracted to tall, leading ladies.

    Reply
  43. Scott McAdam

    There was a lot of comments and I can’t read it all but I do have to comment that its funny how women get so offended calling men shallow because most only want to date women who are weight height proportionate trending towards the lean . But when women want to rule out men because of height its perfectly fine and not shallow at all (that was sarcastic).

    Women will argue that weight is something that can change and height is not. So? That is even more reason to justify the men’s perspective for not dating someone overweight because it can be argued that she does not take care of herself (i.e eat healthy/be active). And yes I acknowledge that some women are overweight because of hereditary or some other medical factor but that does not diminish my general point.

    Reply
  44. Jolly Roger

    I think you found something here, but for the wrong reasons. The match “algorithms” on eharmony or any other site is numbers game. The higher the percentage the match is, the easier it is (mathematically) for them to rise to the top of your list. If you recall when you first went through your profile set up, you had to look at photos of random people and favor some of them. That’s a symmetry game among others, so see how much you will tolerate less symmetry in a persons face. It also ranks similarly the fluffy hair, big heads, small chins, and that sort of thing. They are coupling this with the things you prescribe in your search, like geography, kids, etc. I don’t recall if there is more than one question about height in the eharmony profile you build, unfortunately. The headshot preferences just carry more weight. Other sites, height is simply a category that is adhered to in higher regard, if not absolutely. Your method is spot-on, but I don’t think they are thinking about what they are sending you. It’s just the algorithm building percentages of matches, and then you drink from them from the fire hose first, because they have the right density. I wish I had better analogies this late at night. I’m usually better at analogies than algorithms.

    Reply

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