You know you’ve landed yourself with a pair of first time dog parents when they buy you a whole-wheat-flour-and-yogurt 4th of July dog donut and spend the next twenty minutes kneeling next to you saying, “Come on buddy, eat your donut! It’s a special 4th of July donut with red, white and blue letters and everything!”
I can just picture the two of them: strolling down Passyunk Ave to one of those trendy pet supply stores (of which there are entirely too many to count), congratulating themselves on patronizing a small, locally owned business and selecting, with the utmost care, a Happy 4th of July dog donut, not to be confused with a Happy Birthday dog donut or a Let’s Go Phillies dog donut.
What they don’t know is that my kind doesn’t give a sh*t about the 4th of July. In fact, as far as we’re concerned, it is pretty much the worst holiday ever: the loud noises, the late night parties, the tantalizing smell of hamburgers that we never get to eat…
And don’t even get me started on the abject failure that is the whole-wheat-flour-and-yogurt dog donut. What red-blooded canine ever willingly ate such a travesty? But like I said… First time dog parents.
Honestly, I felt sorry for them, so after a week of staring at the damn thing (the “USA” letters had started to melt) I finally ate it. You could say I was concerned for their feelings- they are trying so hard, especially the tall one- but really it was taking up prime real estate on my dog bed and I just wanted it out of the way.
Speaking of prime real estate, I’ve finally wormed my way into the bedroom. And not just anywhere in the bedroom, but rather the top of the bed, right beneath the pillows. She keeps telling me to get down, that the duvet cover was a wedding gift, but I don’t care.
I may be small, and I may fall down the stairs because my legs are so short, but I know a thing or two and I know that these two need me. I haven’t quite followed all the details, but they’re at the hospital right now and she is getting something called “miscrodiscetomy.” I’m hoping this will cut down on all the crying and gnashing of teeth because it would be nice to get a good night’s sleep for once but either way, I’ll be here waiting, despite their deplorable taste in holiday treats.