A Suggestion to Lowes Hardware

I like hardware stores but sometimes I wish they were just a bit less organized. Hear me out. One time, a while back when I was still living with my parents, my dad sent me to Lowes to pick up some mouse traps. I tried to find them without the help of a sales associate because mouse traps are like condoms—something you’d rather purchase without the entire world knowing what you’re up to—but I was unsuccessful and finally had to ask.

No sooner had I entered the aisle than an elderly gentleman announced, out of the blue, that this was his first time having to buy mouse traps. “They like peanut butter,” he told me. “That’s what my wife said.”

I nodded, eager to make my selection and get the hell out of there, but he continued. I’m not sure if he’d just survived a plane crash and was desperate for conversation after, say, three years on a deserted island, or if he was simply trying to prove to me that he doesn’t usually have mice, that this was a one-time occurrence and that he is a perfectly upstanding citizen, despite his presence in the mouse trap aisle.

I didn’t stay long enough to find out.

Well fast forward to last November: Tuesday, November 4, 2014 to be specific, a day which shall forever live in infamy as the-day-I-found-a-dead-roach-in-my -basement.

(Not to be confused with Wednesday, November 5, 2014 which was the-day-I-found-two-dead-roaches-in-my-basement-and-water-dripping-from-the-upstairs-bathroom-into-my-living-room).


I went to Lowes, back to the aisle, and began perusing the shelves. Here is where we get to the bit about organization.

I am occasionally a bit messy, but there is a difference between messy and dirty and I am not the latter. I clean my counters, I don’t leave dishes in the sink over night anymore, and I use chip clips or Tupperware for everything. So how the hell do I have roaches???

I would feel much more comfortable in the aisle if they had other things there too. Like fancy tile back splashes or chic track lighting. This way people would see me and think, “Wow, she has great taste!” and not, “Roach poison? She’s obviously some sort of crack whore who can’t keep a clean house.”

I am going to write to Lowes and suggest this to them. It would make the experience much less embarrassing.

In the meantime, I am pleased to report that my home has been vermin free since then (I wrote this post months ago but was too embarrassed to post it until I could be sure the coast was clear.)

13 Responses to “A Suggestion to Lowes Hardware”

  1. Landlord No Longer

    Thankfully, the “vermin” was probably long dead and were just set free from their interment upon construction, as getting rid of an invasion of those pesky gross creatures is usually much harder than eradicating mice.

    I must admit when you called in a panic about it, I did get a small (who am I kidding) HUGE sense of validation about my obsessiveness when it comes to keeping things CLEAN, CLOSED AND PROPERLY STORED. What grief you, tech support, and the chauffeur have given me over the years…HA! When it happens in YOUR house, eh????? BTW, chip clips are for amateurs, once open the scent is an invitation, UGH.

    I agree though, I HATE when I have to buy a mouse trap, and yes, we have occasionally been invaded…usually if a neighborhood construction project is going on AND their nests have been disturbed UGH, OR if it is an exceptionally cold winter, lots of snow, which I believe gives the varmints a “step stool” if you will, into cracks and crevices that they previously did not have access to. Yes, I am very defensive about why I of all people, a card carrying obsessive warrior against all things not paying rent in my home, still experience the RARE invasion of my fortress.

    This…is why I live in the Northeast/Mid Atlantic region, give me the cold weather so that some these creatures occasionally DIE over the winter, thinning the herd 🙂

    • casespace

      I’ve also heard that, about construction work creating mice infestations. And winter. All of those things contribute.

  2. becky119

    Ugh, there is nothing more traumatic than a run-in with a roach. It’s truly the things nightmares are made of. I was cleaning up my desk at work a few months ago and there is this overhead cabinet that I use to store food. Mostly tea, but also some breakfast things like granola and cereal bars. A couple to-go cups of soup and the like. Well, I was organizing it on a slow day and saw a roach crawl along the back. I screamed, dropped all the stuff in my arms and went to the guy I work with and begged him to kill it! I didn’t realize at the time that it was a roach, so I didn’t specifically state that. When he opened the cabinet and started moving stuff around to find the bug he also jumped back when the roach crawled out from it’s hiding place. Since then I keep all food in tupperware containers. Learned my lesson.

    I know this is kind of a copout, but whenever we need to get things like mouse traps or flypaper I send FH to do the dirty work. Maybe you can just recruit PIC to do the same? He seems like a nice guy willing to take on such a task.

    • Kat Richter

      Yeah, at first I was like, “Maybe it’s not a roach… Maybe it’s like a butterfly or something.” Google images confirmed it though. So gross! And yes, PIC is a great guy and super helpful but I don’t want to take advantage of him (especially since he spent pretty much all weekend carrying boxes and furniture for me) plus I didn’t know him back then.

  3. casespace

    I’ve had one mouse that I haven’t seen since the early months. My sis and I are also pretty clean (we found out about the critter from the one time breakfast food was left out). The roaches, on the other hand. . . I can feel your pain. I’m still trying to get rid of a few with boric acid, but it’s not a full-on infestation, Thank God.

  4. Zak

    I think bugs, rodents, etc come inside for more than just the occasional crumb. I know I’ve found roaches in my house after heavy rains, during very cold days, and I’m sure other times. I recently set traps in the attic (bought on Amazon, thus avoiding the horror of the aisle) to catch, what I think are squirrels, who come in at night to get out of the cold. It seems no matter how diligent you are, they find holes and squeeze, chew or climb their way in.

  5. Susan

    I am sure men feel the same way when they have to pick up tampons for their wives!

  6. broadsideblog

    Anyone who puts roaches and condoms in the same sentence gets my vote.

    The nicest compliment I had in years was when my husband went to the local hardware store (4th generation owner) who said” Your wife — she knows her way around a hardware store.”


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