The Rain Test
Eventually, I’m going to have to stop posting about TWD. After all, no one is going to date a girl who blogs about her ex-boyfriend every day. But today is not that day.
Then again, today’s post isn’t actually about TWD. It’s about me.
Here’s the crazy thing: after TWD and I broke up, I felt relieved. The relief, of course, was followed by panic (Would I ever find someone else?) and that panic continues now that it’s been two weeks without the slightest hope of a rebound but in that first moment, when I hung up the phone, took a deep breath and sat up, I realized I was sitting a little taller.
I loved him. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anybody, more than I knew it was even possible to love somebody. But I did not love him more than I love Philadelphia.
I’m sure that sounds very strange and I feel guilty to even admit it but the thought of moving to New Jersey terrified me. I was willing to do it—or so I thought—and I might still do it depending on how my PhD applications pan out, but compromises only work if they don’t lead to resentment.
And a turnkey house in the suburbs, even in a small town in the suburbs with my requisite coffee shops within walking distance, would have led to resentment.
I always envisioned us coming back someday. Going to farmers markets someday. Hosting great dinner parties someday. Strolling through the city on Saturday mornings with re-useable shopping bags, a dog and a baby tucked into one of those ergonomic slings. We’d have a little plot in a community garden and even though I’d forget about it and end up killing whatever I tried to grow, we’d volunteer at park clean ups and go to neighborhood association meetings and all of our friends would drive hybrids or brew their own beer.
But that was my fantasy. Not his. Not at all his.
The day after we broke up, I booked myself a massage at a fancy spa in Center City. It was raining and cold and my feet were killing me but as I walked into town and crossed through the park, my heart felt lighter than it had in months.
I stopped for a moment, just staring at the fountain in the distance, the people hurrying along the sidewalk under their umbrellas, and I thought to myself, “I don’t have to leave.”
I don’t have to leave.
And a love that endures even when it’s pouring rain? That is true love.
Fieldwork in Stilettos 
11 Responses to “The Rain Test”
“a dog and a baby tucked into one of those ergonomic slings”
It was at this point I imagined both in a sling 🙂
Haha!
You would be surprised… I wish someone cared enough to do that about me but it isn’t going to happen.. Love endures went all else falls away.
And the healing continues…
Love conqueres all
Thanks for that post! I needed to hear that. I’m also newly out of a 2 year relationship with someone I thought I would grow old with. And its tough. But like you said…even though I loved him more than I did anyone else. I love me more.
Sorry to hear about your break up 😦 It really sucks, especially when you think you’re in it for the long haul. But it sounds like you’re coming to some of the same conclusions that I am, and hopefully they’re helping you to move forward as well.
well said, and great insight. you have now let those of us not in the know, know that you made the right decision. not that I ever doubted you, but, still, you know what I mean.
I do. I doubted myself at times too (especially now that nearly all of my single friends are coupling off again and all my married friends are popping out babies… every time I go on Facebook and see their pictures, a tiny part of me wonders “OMG what did I do???”) but it was and remains the right decision. Even if it wasn’t an easy one.
I love this post! I know what it’s like to love your city and feel concern over leaving. I moved to NYC for the husband, and am incredibly excited that it’s working out so well. I was going to move to St. Louis for him when he was living there, but I’m quite glad I never had to do that (even though St. Louis is a pretty nice Midwest city).
As a person who loves her city (cities now; NYC is HOME), I get it. Walking down the street in a place you love, feeling the possibilities afforded you just by being there, there’s no comparison. Picking home over heart will probably go down as one of the most difficult decisions you’ve ever made. But because that decision fits who you are right now as a person, I applaud you.
Don’t feel bad about writing about your breakup. It’s still fresh. Writing helps you, so do it. If you’re still writing about him a year from now, then we’ll worry. 😉