It’s Friday. This means three things. First, by the time you read this I’ll be knee-deep in hula hoops at The School’s Annual Field Day. (I’m about as excited about judging a hula hoop competition in the middle of heat wave as I was about teaching my preschoolers to jump rope.)
Second, Date #7 will be arriving in Philadelphia a week from today. In the interest of maintaining my sanity, I’m going to leave it at that for today.
Third, it’s time to bring back My Single Male Friend Friday, because as my friend and former bachelor-of-the-week Marshall pointed out, it’s been a while.
Today’s Single Male Friend has requested that I don’t use his full name so I’ll be referring to him as “D.” (See how easy it is, guys?) I met D shortly after I moved back from London and I’ve got to hand it to my mom on this one: she’s the one who first introduced us. Although he’s not really my type, D’s absolutely adorable and he has the most endearing smile.
But before we get started, I need to say something about his current relationship. That’s right folks: he’s not actually single. He simply should be.
In Facebook parlance D would be one of those “It’s complicated” types but he’s one of the few remaining social media resisters out there so he doesn’t realize A) that “It’s complicated” really isn’t (she’s just not that into you, buddy) and, B) that his current girlfriend is a total b*tch.
I know that D’s supposed to be the one doling out the advice here but in the hope of helping him to see the light, I’m hijacking My Single Male Friend Friday and turning it into an INTERVENTION. (Sorry D, but you’ll thank me in the long run).
A Short List of Reasons Why D Should Dump His Current Girlfriend
(Additional comments welcome)
Reason #1: Like I said before, she’s a b*tch (and yeah, I’m kind of banking on the fact that she probably won’t read this…) She’s also a good writer—even more reason to hate her, in my humble opinion— and she sends out these lame Christmas cards every year with an actual type-written newsletter inside. Who does that?
Reason #2: She’s anti social.
Reason #3: When she decides to stop being anti social, she’s an attention whore. She will literally stand on top of D and whine until he gets up and does whatever it is that she wanted him to do in the first place.
Reason #4 (and this is the biggest one): She steals from him. Like all the time, and everyone knows it. It’s never anything major—just knick knacks here and there—but D’s going to be left with nothing if he doesn’t watch out.
I also forgot about the fact that she can’t do puzzles. Seriously: the woman can’t do puzzles. How hard is it to complete a puzzle?
I’m going to go totally against my usual blog ethics here and post a picture of both D and his current girlfriend. (And no, neither has given me their express permission to do so…)
Please scroll down, take a look and once you do, please tell D that she’s really not that cute and that he can definitely do better.
Introducing “D” (aka Dusty)
And his girlfriend “The b*tch” (aka Belle)
PS: This post was totally my mom’s idea. You can blame/thank her
PPS: Happy Birthday, Chauffeur! In honor of your birthday and the fact that you’re my dad, I’ve decided not to write about sex today. You’re welcome