The (m)anthropology continues with another “type” gleaned from my so-called fieldwork: Man 4.0. So far, we’ve had the Impressionists (men who like to impress their women), the Pre-Raphaelites (hopeless romantics of the male variety) and the Surrealists (players, in everyday parlance).
Today I would like to introduce a fourth type: the Old Masters. Old Masters aren’t necessarily old but like their namesakes, they’re the real renaissance men of their times. Think Michelangelo or, better yet Leonardo Da Vinci. Da Vinci was a genius, and so are most of the Old Masters I’ve encountered during my adventures in online dating.
Unfortunately most geniuses (geni?) are lacking social graces. My theory is that they devote so many brain cells to being geniuses that they can’t handle having normal conversations. Social awkwardness can be endearing when it paired with say, great abs or a six figure salary, but credit cards and six packs can only get a girl so far.
I know this because I’ve already dated several Old Masters and I’ve found myself bored out of my mind each time.
So how can you tell and Old Master from an Impressionist? Read on.
- Old Masters tend to be doctors. Or med students. Med students aren’t quite as bad as full-fledged doctors because they have fully lost their ability to communicate but they’re well on their way. Beware.
- Old Masters don’t deal well with spontaneity.
- They have quirky hobbies, such as sculpting, dancing salsa or playing squash and while you might be tempted to think, “Hmm, that’s interesting” let me tell you: it’s not. This is because the person doing these hobbies is an Old Master and Old Masters consciously cultivate hobbies in an attempt to compensate for their humdrum personalities.
- Old Masters are forever vacationing with their families. Now I’ll admit: I regularly vacation with my family as well but only because my parents are 52 (nearly) going on 25 and generally pick up my bar tab— not because I’m too lame to venture out on my own. In other words, if you’re dating a man who seems a little too close to his siblings, you might have an Old Master on your hands.
- Because of their involvement in the medical profession, Old Masters tend to be very fussy with what they eat. And God forbid you order a drink in their presence—let alone two. They generally prefer tea to coffee, water to wine and sobriety to… well, the alternative.
- Old Masters tend to be very successful in terms of their careers but they have a weird relationship to money. Some of the wealthiest men I’ve dated have actually been the least chivalrous (read: cheap).
- They’re usually very highly educated. And very cultured. And well-groomed. Aside from the social awkwardness, these men are quite the catch, and they know it, which is why social niceties go out the window. Do not expect an Old Master to hold a door open for you. Or hail you a cab. Or offer you his arm whilst crossing an icy street. You’ll only be disappointed.
So, does this mean you should steer clear of the medical profession in its entirety? No. Absolutely not. I have a major crush on a friend of mine who happens to be a doctor and even though he fits the bill in terms of quirky hobbies, he’s a renegade in terms of everything else. (He has, for example, bought me a drink and that drink contained alcohol.)
Nor do I mean to suggest that Old Masters are always doctors or students of the medical profession; there are exceptions, I am sure, but my “fieldwork” has yielded a pretty homogenous group thus far.
I’m not sure where this leaves me. It would seem that I have a “type” (or several types, rather) but that none of these types are working for me.