You’ll have noticed that I’ve not said much about eHarmony lately. This is because eHarmony sucks. If it wasn’t for the fact that I still, on occasion, find the profiles of undeserving men amusing, I’d have cancelled my subscription long ago. To be sure, I’m rapidly losing the strength to “soldier on” and I no longer hold any illusions of actually finding my soul mate, at least not on eHarmony.
I’ve been subscribed since the demise of my relationship with Date #17 back in December. Since then, I’ve dated three men for a total of seven dates (drinks, drinks, movie, dinner, ice skating, dinner and dinner again). I don’t know whether to blame the weather or the men for the apparent lack of chemistry but either way, something is not working.
Every day, I find seven or eight new “matches” delivered to my inbox, and every day I get my hopes up only to discover that the majority of these men are shorter-than-me-in-heels. I don’t know what’s wrong with the matchmakers over at eHarmony headquarters. I specifically said that height was very important to me. I know that this is rather shallow (and that I could be missing out on the love of my life simply because he doesn’t clear the requisite 5’11”) but the truth is I don’t feel sexy if I end up towering over my date, and didn’t eHarmony tell me to be truthful when filling out my relationship profile?
The rest of my PSMs are either illiterate or entirely too hung up on sports for my taste. (Call me crazy but “Love my EAGLES!!!” isn’t exactly a turn on.) Then there are those who don’t seem to have grasped the basic premise of the profile picture. This morning, for example, I received the hopes and dreams of a German Sheppard. I decided to give the man (or dog?) the benefit of the doubt and took a quick perusal through his profile. The first picture was of the dog, the second of a man I presumed to be the dog’s owner, the third of the dog and the fourth of— actually, I didn’t even make it to his fourth picture. I love dogs as much as the next person—maybe even a little bit more on the days when the resident Richter mutts are behaving themselves— but seriously, dude, enough is enough, especially when your dog’s not even that good looking.
Last but not least, the term “non-smoker” leaves very little room for interpretation in my opinion. Either you smoke or you don’t and because I make the majority of my living teaching dance and attempt provide my students with suitable role model, I don’t smoke. I don’t have anything against smokers but after a weekend in Madrid a few years ago, I’ve learned that I don’t particularly enjoy kissing them.
Would it be to too much to ask for eHarmony to STOP sending me shrimp-sized smokers?
Evidently, it would.