So it’s mid-February, I’m home sick, and I’m watching trashy reality shows on Netflix while planning my kid’s first birthday (because I can “stay in bed and rest” and STILL multitask, mothafucker!).

Halfway through the first season of “Yummy Mummies,” I discover two crucially important things:

1) We must have a first birthday cake smash. You can’t have a kid and not have a cake smash. It would be a crime against humanity. And Pinterest. And we don’t want that now, do we?

2) If you have a girl, she must wear tutu. Because ballerinas spend all of their spare time chowing down on cakes… they’re, like, known for it. (Not.) But if you have a boy, it’s a different story. Boys, you see, must be dressed as wee Chippendales:

I’m not sure what’s more absurd about this photo. The god-awful shade of kelly green (which, as you can see…