If you’re going on your first first date in nearly three years, you should not—I repeat, DO NOT—order a Sagarita. I’m still not entirely sure what a Sagarita is but it involved triple sec, wine, rum and tequila.
If you’re a moron and do end up ordering a Sangarita, don’t order a second. No matter how pretty it is.
And if you’re stupid enough to order a second, for goodness sakes, stick to one deadly cocktail and don’t go switching to wine, then cider and finally back again.
Well, for starters, it’s not a good idea to get drunk in public. Especially on a date. Especially a first date with a man you met on the internet.
But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that you might find yourself out with a nice guy, and at some point in the evening he might lean over and say, “I don’t get it. You’re so pretty, and smart, and you have a great sense of humor. What happened between you and your ex?”
Because when this happens, you will take a deep breath and think, “Why yes, I can answer this. It’s been 3 months and I am totally, 100% fine.” But then, as you try to find the words to explain how the longest and possibly greatest relationship of your LIFE fell apart, your eyes will start to well up.
You’ll stare up at the ceiling, trying to compose yourself.
Your date will say, “It’s okay. Hey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
And even though ever fiber of your being will be screaming “ABORT! Abort mission NOW!!!” the words will come tumbling out and before you know it, you’ll be crying, in a bar (a fancy bar in Center City, no less), repeating more or less the entire break up conversation verbatim, right on down to the inevitable, “He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me!!!!”
You will forget, of course, that you didn’t want to spend the rest of your life with him either. You will forget that you wanted to end the relationship last summer and that you really do believe you’re better off without him. These things won’t matter, because it’s just the wine talking now (well, the wine, the tequila, the triple sec, the rum and the cider)… which is why Sangaritas are to be avoided at all costs.