Bring on the Smashing

It’s been three months and I am feeling angry. So very angry. When the realtor I’ve started working with unlocked the first house on my list, took a look around at the squalor and said, “I hope you’re not afraid of a little work,” I laughed and told her I was not.

What I did not tell her is that secretly, I’m hoping to completely demolish something. I’m picturing me in overalls, with my hair tied back and a very, very large hammer so that I can smash things: an old wall, a cement patio, an entire bathroom, or all of the above. I don’t care, just so long as I can smash and smash and smash.

First and foremost, I am mad at myself. It’s been three months at this point and I am still crying. Not all the time, and not nearly as much as I used to, but seriously, isn’t enough enough?

My mom found me crying in the kitchen the other day. I was so sad, but I was more mad at myself for being sad than anything else.

“Wasn’t this your longest relationship?” she reminded me.

“Yes.”

“And wasn’t it your most serious?”

“Yes.”

“And weren’t you planning to marry this man? To buy a house together? To build a life with him?”

“Yes!”

“So cut yourself some slack! It’s okay to be upset.”

But it’s not okay. It hurts too much. Plus it ruins my mascara. And frankly, I don’t have time to be upset.

But that’s only half of it. The person I am really angry at, of course, is TWD. Looking back, it all makes sense now: the fact that he never responded to my email about going to the art museum, that he got all squeamish about our parents wanting to go to dinner together, that he didn’t want to get a drink at the ice rink down by the river, that he didn’t bother to tell me he loved me on New Year’s Eve or kiss me at midnight like a normal person.

He was already gone.

And what really pisses me off is that he knew I was having doubts about our relationship. He knew I was upset, that I was worried we’d never get past our differences. If he’d been feeling the same way, why didn’t he just say something? Why did he string me along, just going through the motions of unbuttoning my flannel pajamas and reaching for a condom? Why did he let me take him out to dinner the night before we broke up? Why did he let me kiss him there in the parking lot of that God-awful, stupid board game store if his heart wasn’t in it?

He initiated the break up conversation by telling me, “You might have noticed that I’ve been kind of distant over the past month…”

Gee. Really?

Of course I’d noticed, but I chalked it up to holiday stress and financial worries. Now though, now that I know the truth, I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. How could I not have known? How could he not have told me?

“I wanted to figure out what I was feeling,” he told me. “I needed time to sort it out.”

Well, that’s all well and good if you’re in a relationship with yourself but if you’re in a relationship with someone else? A living, breathing human being? Who is weaving you a damn scarf for your birthday? You don’t do that. Not for a whole month. You clue her the f*ck in.

Hence the reason I would like to buy a very large hammer and do a lot of smashing.

19 Responses to “Bring on the Smashing”

  1. Katie

    Smash away, dear. Just make sure you have good friends around who will help you put it back together. 🙂

    Reply
  2. Zak

    Let me highly suggest a metal fence that’s been cemented into the ground. And has a pad lock and steel chain on it. That was probably the longest time I’ve even spent beating the shit out of something, only to eventually give up and cut the frickin’ fence. However, all that hammering 1) takes it out of you, and 2) makes the world… not “right,” but… less wrong.

    Reply
    • Zak

      Oh! Or find an old interior garage roof, get a saws-all and go to town (C liked this and said it was therapeutic, b/c you have to take a hot shower to remove all the sawdust after, too!).

      Or… nope, that’s all I got.

      Reply
      • Kat Richter

        I don’t like saws. They are scary. Except hand saws, I am okay with them. I am starting to consider slightly more productive things though… Like maybe digging? And eventually gardening? I can’t grow a freaking bean though, let alone anything pretty. Maybe I’ll go find a fence 🙂

        Reply
        • Zak

          Weeds: they’re easy to grow.

          Also, pressure washer: you can strip paint, clean the driveway, and hey, it’s just water! Bonus: if you get soaked enough, the local boys will definitely pay attention.

          Reply
  3. Jennie Saia

    I believe in smashing. I once stopped my car on the side of the highway and just yelled – primal yells – for about 5 solid minutes. I could barely speak afterward, but it helped. Smashing sounds much the same, and you can be productive with it, too. I like the symbolism of creating a new, beautiful thing by expending the old anguish.

    Reply
  4. landlord

    As usual, you hit the nail right on the head…and now you can also literally do that, once you find your first starter home 😉 Its all good…

    Reply
  5. xclampa

    I like you being angry more – means you’re starting to fight back. All 5 stages – disbelief, bargaining, anger, sadness (more sadness) and acceptance are there.
    Here’s a little secret…
    I’ve secretly cried after my first mentor for… a year, and then some. Not a boyfriend – my mentor was a woman, in her thirties while I was about 16-17, and simply meeting with me every now and then. But it was one of the deepest and coolest relationships I’ve had in my life till now (I’m 26 this year).
    To get over it, it took me… a change of scenery, for a little while, busy work (nothing demanding) and most importantly – an impulse. I’ve read a book one evening, finished it and got irrationally upset about how soon it ended.
    Story endings are never what we exactly chose. novels or short stories. However reading the story is always far better than not having read it at all, for fear of bad endings. reading it means you’ve experienced something new and wonderful, no matter how bad and ugly the conclusion,
    and that experience of reading it – knowing new places, new tastes, new characters – will stay in your heart always.

    Reply
  6. petitepaumee

    Anger is a completely natural reaction I think… isn’t it one of the stages of grieving after a relationship ends? So if you’re still feeling this way, I’d find a way to release it – I think it would help you move on and just clear your mind and heart.

    As to his taking the time to tell you about his doubts… I know that might be painful in hindsight but at the same time, it shows he really respected and valued you and wanted to make the right decision and stick to it. It seems like TWD might be the kind of guy who needs time to process things and maybe he did need that month to think things over.

    Reply
    • Kat Richter

      Yeah… you are right. A few hours after I wrote this post, I realized he wasn’t actually being a horrible person and was probably trying to act with our best interests at heart, even if it didn’t feel that way at the time.

      Reply

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