What Judge Judy, Lunacy and Emotional F*ckwits Have in Common

You know those women on Dr. Phil and Judge Judy?  The ones who go through their boyfriend’s cell phones for signs of infidelity?  The ones who site Facebook messages as “evidence” on national television?  The ones who demand paternity tests and polygraphs?

They’re easy to spot, mainly because they look like complete-and-utter lunatics.

Also, they’re usually way better looking than the guilty party, even while they’re flinging accusations across the courtroom.  Watching those sort of women, you can’t help but sit there and think to yourself “What does she see in him?  She could do sooooo much better!”

Unfortunately, they’re not just limited to daytime television.  Oh no.  You can find them in books too.  Take Bridget Jones.  She spends hours dialing a special code into her own phone to check if her bastard-of-a-boss, Daniel Cleaver, has called.  To no one’s great surprise (except perhaps her own), he hasn’t.  And he never will.  Because he’s an emotional f*ckwit.

Then you’ve got one of the original Austen gals: Marianne Dashwood of Sense and Sensibility fame.  She goes so crazy over Willoughby that she writes to him every day, only to discover that he’s engaged to someone else.  In a fit of insanity, she decides to take a “short” walk but instead hikes all the way to his freakin’ house, in the rain with nary an umbrella, and nearly dies as a result.

Fortunately, “infectious fevers” were a much bigger deal in the nineteenth century than they are today but the propensity for insane behavior hasn’t changed much.

I know this because when I first moved back from London, I watched a lot of Dr. Phil.  And Judge Judy.  And I’d sit there with my mom shaking my head saying things like:

Is she crazy?

She must be crazy!

She’s certifiable!

That woman is off her rocker!

Take a hint, lady: he’s just not that into you!

Of course I would never act as insane as those women.  I would never call, then text, then finally resort to Facebook stalking the man in question.  I would never spend all night checking my cell phone every hour to see if he’d finally gotten back to me.  I would never wake up the next morning only to conclude, “Of course—he’s screening my calls!  Obviously there’s been some sort of misunderstanding so if I just call him from a different number, I’ll be able to talk to him and once I talk to him, we’ll be able to straighten everything out.”

Such are not the actions of a rational woman.

Such are not the actions of a woman who is secure in herself and in her relationship(s).

Such are the actions of women like Bridget Jones and Marianne Dashwood and those crazy, unhinged types that end up on reality television and MTV’s Teen Mom.

And yet I went from rational to complete-and-utter-lunatic in less than 24 hours this past weekend.

This is because it took Date #7 seventeen hours to accidentally leave his cell phone charger behind in Pittsburgh, arrive at his brother’s place in the suburbs, leave me hanging at the bar where were supposed to meet on Friday night and get himself to a Radio Shack the next morning to rectify the cell phone situation.

Rational people, however, don’t go insane overnight.

Insecure people go insane overnight.

In the words of my aunt from Arizona: Need I say more?

I think not.

PS: I set this post to auto-publish first thing this morning but obviously I missed a step… apologies for the delay.  In fact, let’s blame date #7.  I’m sure somehow its his fault.

15 Responses to “What Judge Judy, Lunacy and Emotional F*ckwits Have in Common”

  1. Philly Tap Teaser

    Unless he has the most unique phone in existence, cell phone chargers are conveniently available in a multitude of locations – CVS, most grocery stores, Wawas, 7-11s…..or maybe his brother’s place… I don’t need to say more. It’s just straight up inconsiderate.

  2. aka gringita

    Yeah. I’m with Philly Tap Teaser on this one. 17 hours of being incommunicado (regardless of the reason) when one has been awaiting his promised arrival? Has, to all outward appearances, been stood up? [Right. He was completely reliant on his PHONE to get him where he was supposed to be – somehow having managed not to jot down, commit to memory, or leverage any other technology or methodology to remember where he was meeting you – yet in spite of his complete and utter reliance on said phone, he did not remember his charger, or find another way to recharge it any sooner, all the while knowing you had been left waiting for him.]

    That’s totally enough time for any self-respecting woman to (1) go temporarily apesh*t crazy (we do neither “silence” nor “waiting” well, let alone in combination), (2) have a good solid emotional meltdown, and then (3) pull herself together and decide that no man – or at least not this man – is worth this kind of insanity.

    Really, those stages of temporary insanity in the middle there are just part of the process. A process it’s best not to put on TV, I might add. Nor to choose to linger in for any length of time.

    So say I.

  3. Katie

    Um. I’m SO confused. Agree 100% with gringita, first of all. Second, WTF. Seriously. Couldn’t remember where you were meeting? Phone battery died on the 4 hour drive/plane trip whatever? Couldn’t look you up? Couldn’t message you on Facebook?

    Please. I’m gonna go drink another sidecar. (I know you read today’s post so that makes sense.) YOU are not crazy. That behavior is enough to drive anyone nuts. DONE. Hear me? We disapprove. 😉

  4. Wendy

    Dump him! If he’s not falling over himself to get to you, he’s not worth it. He needs to be chasing after you! Let us live vicariously through you! Forget about him!

  5. sarahnsh

    Yeah, totally agree with all the other girls, that is so messed up and I would have killed him! Phone chargers are interchangeable so you don’t even have to get the same one lots of times, and to leave you waiting at your meetup place? I’d of probably drank too much to get back home trying to calm myself down!

  6. Lipstick and Playdates

    The checking on e-mail and cell looking for a message….it’s something WE all do, regardless of how successful or confident we appear.

    That said, you seem to have a large pool of guys circulating around you. So you need to ask yourself, why are you holding on? Why is it that you can’t just give him the boot?

  7. Jenn

    1) I am having a hard time keeping all these guys and their idocincies straight.
    2) Wasn’t this the guy until very recently seeing someone else?
    3) Is this “winner” the one that an impression given that he was a bit of loner due to his job and current lifestyle?
    4) Are you sure that he is worth the mental tantrum?

    Tell you what. Your nurse prescription for this ailment. 2 dove bars (ice cream in the center optional). 1 martini of choice (may be subsituted with 2 glasses of Sangria or 1 really large glass of wine). NO… repeat NO BBC Costume dramas. Go with something a little more… well.. fun. Torchwood is always good. (Hmmmm…. Torchwood…..) Do not text him. Do not call him. When you have the desire to do so…. text me instead. Trust me when I tell you the chase isn’t always as good as the capture.

  8. Lost in France

    So basically stood up.
    Sorry 17 hours to reslove a phone charger issue. Not a viable excuse


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