Back in junior high, my BFF and I decided to write a manual for boys—boys who were interested in dating us. We were fed up with their blundering attempts and, fancying ourselves the lucky recipients of a superior education concerning all things romance (courtesy of Jane Austen novels and BBC costume dramas), we set out to equip them with the knowledge they so desperately needed.
The only problem (at least the only evident problem) was the publication of our little treatise. How would we get them to read it?
If only I’d had a blog back then…
As such, I feel that I am bound by duty and honor and the godforsaken desire to date a man who knows what he’s doing to publish the following. Consider this the next installment in my Gentleman’s Guide to Wooing Women, except this time, instead of focusing on online dating protocol we’re going to take a look at the weekend visit.
Now before you jump to conclusions and assume that the following assemblage is in any way indicative of Date #7’s shortcomings, it’s not—at least not entirely. He did commit some rather grievous faux pas during my visit to Pittsburgh but the “Do’s and Don’ts” I’ve listed below are based on a much greater period of… research. Ten years to be exact, and as such, they take into account my entire dating history.
(Keep in mind that the majority of my relationships have been long distance so weekend visits are one of the few subjects upon which I can speak with the utmost authority.)
A Gentleman’s Guide to Wooing Women: The Weekend Visit
If you find yourself in the altogether enviable position of hosting a woman in your home for the weekend, congratulations! There’s a good chance you’ll get laid—unless of course you f*ck it up.
Fortunately, there are several precautions you can take to ensure that your lady-guest will have a lovely time (and remember: a lovely time easily translates into “sexy time”) so really, it’s in your best interest to ensure the following before she arrives:
- She has proper directions to your place. (Date #7 sent me a text containing a photograph of the sign at the entrance to his apartment complex; well played, Date #7.)
- She feels secure in the knowledge that you are actually looking forward to her visit (a simple, “Can’t wait to see you, drive safe!” is usually all it takes.)
- She is not greeted by any unwelcome signs in your apartment/flat/house/man cave (unwelcome signs may include but are not limited to: dirty laundry, dirty dishes, dirty counters, beard trimmings in your sink, hair in your shower, hair in your shower that is longer than yours and therefore clearly does not belong to you, additional toothbrushes on your sink, photographs of ex-girlfriends, etc. Basically anything that would suggest the presence of another woman—even if your relationship is not yet serious— should be thrown away. Or burned in a large bonfire. Or at the very least concealed in a drawer for the duration of the weekend, unless of course you are married in which case you should leave it all in plain sight so that the woman in question will realize what she’s gotten herself into and can call you for being such a faithless bastard.)
Once you’ve rendered your humble abode as habitable as possible, it’s time to prepare for your guest’s arrival.
- One would think this goes without saying but unfortunately it needs to be said: carry her damn bags! I don’t care if you’re nervous/excited/trying to plan your escape—be a gentleman.
- Also, be sure to greet your guest in such a way as to indicate that you’re glad she’s arrived. A kiss, a hug—something along those lines. Don’t just stand there grinning stupidly as this will invariably cause your date to wonder if you’ve contracted some sort of disease during her absence—or if she’s made a mistake in coming to see you.
- Prepare some sort of light refreshment in advance, especially if she’s come a long way. Even if she refuses to eat she’ll make note of your thoughtfulness and while we’re on the subject, you really ought to do a full round of grocery shopping before she arrives. Furthermore, if you’re really hoping to score (by which I mean score bonus points, of course) you can ask if she would like anything specific for breakfast, etc. (ie. if you’re a coffee drinker but know that she prefers tea, invest a dollar or two to ensure that she’ll have her beverage of choice in the morning. You can thank me later.)
- Wine. Have wine. Good things happen when you drink wine:
Now… let’s move on to sleeping arrangements.
We all know that you’re not planning a weekend visit to sit around playing checkers (and if you are, you should probably just go to a convention or something) but if this is the first time your lady-friend is spending the night, you ought to offer—at the very least— a façade of quasi-Victorian propriety.
If you have a guest bedroom, offer it to her. (Any woman worth her salt will prefer having someplace semi-private to stash her things, lest she clutter up your kitchen with her shoes and makeup.) If you don’t have a guest room, offer her your bed and—this is the important part— offer to sleep on the couch. I can personally guarantee that she’ll eventually invite you to join her so you won’t be stranded in your living room for long.
(And lest you think I’m being terribly stuffy and old-fashioned, keep in mind that the Brazilian sex-pot from Lauren Weisberger’s “Chasing Harry Winston” insists that her Hollywood-director boyfriend spends the night in a hotel when he comes to visit, and this is after they’ve started sleeping together.)
Also, depending on the status of your relationship, you’ll want to make sure you have some sort of suitable pajamas or pajama substitutes on hand. As a dancer who’s shared many a dressing room with many a man, I don’t expect my dates to swath themselves in full Fruit-of-the-Loom getups but pants are always nice… or at the very least, boxers shorts that haven’t passed their expiration dates.
Of course, said pants can come off eventually…
Bottom line: everyone knows that men aren’t exactly known for their communication skills. So if you are happy that your lady-friend has come to visit and want to make sure she knows you care about her, you need to show her— through thoughtful but simple gestures. Taking little steps to make sure she’s not starving to death, freezing to death or afraid to contract some sort of rare foot disease simply by stepping into your shower go a long way.
So give it a try (and do let me know if I’ve missed anything).
Now, if you have a brother/son/nephew who might benefit from reading the above, for the love of God and single women everywhere, please forward this to him. Don’t you want him to settle down with a nice girl someday?
PS: I’ve been nominated for “Philadelphia’s Most Valuable Blogger” and I need your help! You can vote everyday until September 9th (no login or registration nonsense required) so please click on “VOTE FOR ME” to cast your vote. THANKS!