When in Doubt, Just Punch Him
When you think about it (as I have for the past 48 hours) there are plenty of perfectly logical explanations for the fact that I have not heard from Date #7. It’s not that he doesn’t like me or that he didn’t like my letter, it’s simply one of the following:
1) My letter has disintegrated. I did, after all, essentially drench it in perfume before sending.
2) My letter has been devoured by Date #7’s cat—not that Date #7 has a cat but he could have had a house sitter while he was away on vacation and his house sitter could have had a cat.
3) My letter never even arrived in Pittsburgh. I sent it from a mailbox on 2nd Street and everyone knows that you shouldn’t rely on mailboxes. It could have gotten stuck to a wad of gum and when the mailman came to empty the box, he took all of the letters except mine.
4) My letter was intercepted by Homeland Security and taken into custody, for reasons I can only imagine.
I was so distressed by Date #7’s silence that I curled up with one of my new library books on Friday night and read the whole damn thing in one sitting.
(The book was called “How Starbucks Saved My Life” and although the writing wasn’t particularly good, I liked the premise. )
On Sunday afternoon, I had a bit of a revelation. I was at a pool party with my students to celebrate the start of Nationals (Nationals being the culmination of this year’s dance competitions) when I noticed one of my girls engaged in a bit of an altercation with another girl’s brother.
“Who’s he?” I asked the girl’s mom.
“So-and-so’s older brother,” she replied. Lowering her voice she confessed, “I think he has a little crush on her.”
They were smacking the crap out of one another, and judging by the way they kept trying to knock each other into the pool, one could only assume the feeling was mutual.
This got me thinking to back when I was in 8th grade—when punching a boy was the best way to show you cared about him. I miss those days.
Back then, you didn’t have any previous relationships to contend with or past insecurities to project upon your current partner (or partner-to-be). You could write love letters without worrying about the repercussions because you didn’t know how it felt to put your heart on the line, only to have it smashed like a grape. You could appreciate the fact that he’s texting you photos from his vacation without wondering how many other girls he sending them to.
Everything was so much simpler in 8th grade (although it never felt that way at the time): if you liked a guy, you’d throw him into the pool, and if he liked you back, he’d pull you in with him. End of story.
Unfortunately Date #7 and I have yet to attend a pool party together, and we’re both well beyond the 8th grade. All the same, I would like to punch him because if I have to sit around—
Actually, I take that back. I don’t want to go back to 8th grade. I was moron in 8th grade and seeing as Date #7 has just this very minute sent me a text informing me that he’s received my letter and will call me later tonight, I probably should not punch him after all.
21 Responses to “When in Doubt, Just Punch Him”
My mother once lost one of her paychecks from her union due to a mail truck catching fire. True story.
Seriously??? I didn’t even think about a mail truck catching fire– that’s horrible!
I hit my boyfriend and throw him into pools all the time… granted, he was my best friend before we started dating (and everyone knew it would happen except yours truly since I’m so stubborn).
It’s more fun for us that way, since we spent the past two years flirting through fights, it feels natural. 🙂
“You could appreciate the fact that he’s texting you photos from his vacation without wondering how many other girls he sending them to.”
Coming from the girl who has dated over 43 guys since date #7. 43 guys made it clear you didn’t want to get exclusive so you can’t be mad if he plays the field a little to lol. (your over 50 by now right?)
We had a mailman who for a year was stealing, hording, not delivering bags of mail when he got behind on his route…. He was eventually caught and prosecuted, I did miss a paycheck and a 1099 at tax time that year. Perhaps he was not incarcerated or even fired, simply transferred to Pittsburgh.
I don’t punch Dale. That would qualify as domestic violence. 🙂 I truly don’t understand why you have to wait by the phone all day to get his take on this letter? Does he not know how to use email? Is he so important that he doesn’t have 5 free minutes during the lunch hour to pick up the phone? 🙂
Okay, okay, if you are married to the person and have children by him, punching him is probably not a good idea– I should have included a link to a domestic abuse hotline in this post 🙂 My problem is that I like men who like to sit around thinking deep thoughts… just not when they decide to sit around thinking deep thoughts about ME (and keeping said thoughts to themselves while they try to “process…”)
5. Mail truck catches on fire and/or mailman hordes mail.
6. Date #7 can’t read.
7. Aliens invaded the earth. They started in Pittsburgh (why?), and when the Men in Black arrived to save the day, they had to wipe everyone’s memory of the alien attack. In doing so, they inadvertantly wiped Date #7’s memory about the letter, and so he’s left wondering who this “Kat” gal is. Like forgetting Kat could happen!
8. Date #7’s mom is busy showing the letter to her friends, and he has yet to read it.
9. Date #7 got a really bad paper cut and he’s afraid of opening the letter any further. Perhaps the massive quantities of perfume have given him and infection?
Should I keep going? This is ridiculously fun!
PS-what happened yesterday? No post? I’m shocked!
I’m now honoring the Sabbath 🙂 (Which is another way of saying I. Need. A. Day. Off!!!! Lol)
PS: I was totally hoping I could just sneak that non-post day in there without anyone noticing– I should have known that you of all people would call me out, lol!
My bad. Delete my comment…?
“8. Date #7′s mom is busy showing the letter to her friends, and he has yet to read it.” – hahahaha!
Seriously– Zak you are tooooo freakin’ much! I’ve finally poured myself a cup of coffee and am cracking up– I think I might have to quote you in tomorrow’s post 🙂 (Especially Possibility #8– the HORROR!!!)
Glad I can make you smile. Just remember this when I need to convince some girl here that I am funny, because “Kat says so.”
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🙂 what a mess
Can I borrow this for my blog? It’s a much more sysinct way of saying something I’ve been trying to write out for a long time.
“Back then, you didn’t have any previous relationships to contend with or past insecurities to project upon your current partner (or partner-to-be). You could write love letters without worrying about the repercussions because you didn’t know how it felt to put your heart on the line, only to have it smashed like a grape.”
Sure, go for it!
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[…] and yet, I just couldn’t bear to post it. It just wasn’t… right. Then Kat goes and says exactly what I’ve been trying to say this whole time. Back then, you didn’t have any previous relationships to contend with or past insecurities to […]