Why I Hate Men (It’s not what you think)

First things first: Happy Easter Monday (Easter Monday, in case you don’t know, is an internationally-recognized holiday whereby you run to your nearest convenience store at 6:00am and load up on half-priced Easter candy).

Easter candy

A most excellent reason to celebrate Easter Monday: Peeps gone wild!

Next, I’ve re-written all of my online dating profiles for my 50th Date Challenge (and yes, I’ll be posting my new “boilerplate” later this week).  Last but not least, I’ve spent the past five days thinking about “Impressionists” and I think I’m onto something, but before I get too far ahead of myself, a few thoughts on friendship—by which I mean male friendship.

Here’s why I generally avoid befriending men: men tell it like it is.  I know this because last week I received an email from The Salsa Date.  Now that we’re “just friends,” he took the opportunity to inform me that My One O’Clock (aka the Dating Coach) is just stringing me along.

I may not understand women, Kat, but I understand men and trust me on this one: he’s not that into you.

(That was the gist of it anyway.  I still haven’t stooped quite so low as to begin pilfering my personal correspondence for blog fodder.)

Needless to say, I was floored.  Did The Salsa Date just say “not that into you?”  And how the heck would he know?  I mean yeah, he’s a guy, but in my humble opinion, gender is hardly grounds for expertise.  Experience is grounds for expertise.  The way I see it, if anyone’s going to be able to determine whether My One O’Clock is or is not into me, its going to be meNot The Salsa Date.

But this is where men and women differ.  A female friend would remind you that the Dating Coach did ask you out twice, that he did compliment your writing and that he did… well, to be honest, that’s about it.  But to compensate for his shortcomings, she’d also suggest that The Salsa Date is just taking advantage of the situation to make himself look better by comparison (“Obviously, he doesn’t want to be just friends!  So you can hardly trust his opinion.  I mean, he’s never even met the Dating Coach!  What does he know?”)

This is because many female friendships (certainly many of mine) thrive on perpetuation of each other’s delusions.  We tell each other “Yeah, you look great in that!” even when it’s not true, and we assure one other, “Of course he’ll call!” even when we know he won’t.

With my closest female friends, I try to “tell it like it is,” but only in the most painless way possible.  I’ll suggest an alternate outfit or casually mention that their current crush reminds me of an ex-boyfriend (one of the really awful ones that they warned me to stay away from in the first place).

But it’s different with guys.  Guys don’t do “subtle.”  And guys don’t really do “tact” either.  This is why their opinions can be rather valuable once you recover from the initial shock.  (And this is why I do listen—or at least consider listening—when the Y Chromosomes amongst you tell me things I don’t want to hear.)

My brother’s relationship advice rarely consists of anything more than, “Dump his sorry ass.”  If only my girlfriends would tell me that!  (Or maybe they have told me that and I just haven’t listened?)

So today’s question is this: who gives better relationship advice?  Men or women?  Should you trust your girlfriends or your former potential-boyfriends?  And, last but not least (because I almost don’t want to know…) is The Salsa Date right about My One O’Clock?

19 Responses to “Why I Hate Men (It’s not what you think)”

  1. Jennifer Avventura

    I’d say men. I have two very good male friends which I have known both for over 15 years. I like their opinion better, as it’s more honest, it’s more ‘man.’ With my female friends it’s sugar coated, nice and light. Sometimes they don’t really say what they should say, for fear of hurting the other person. This IMO is wrong. I want honesty, always.

    Great post.

    • Zak

      Hey, guys know how to sugar coat! We say things like I think… and maybe… before we start all of our harsh opinions, I mean, advice.

  2. micah111

    Guys have their way of wanting to be connected, graceful, etc. I just sent this to a friend….
    “Dude, How was your Easter? What investing site do you use?”

    Did you notice the salutation “Dude” and I did ask about his Easter (+2 pts for me). I probably could of made it better if I would have signed my name: “~M.”

  3. girlinblues

    Men. Always. That’s why I try to have more male friends than female ones. If they really are your friends, they’ll tell you everything and it’s wonderful because it’s still up to you to decide, but at least you know the truth.

  4. Renee Davies

    Hi Kat,

    I was raised with a ton of brothers, so I think I’ve taken on their mode of operation, good and bad. But I have learned to prefer the opinion of guys, especially in the guy department, because they are definitely less entangled in emotions and sensibilities. This saves me a lot of time and nonsense. I have also learned that if a guy really liked me (prior to being married to the best), that he would make it obvious. On the other hand, if a guys keeps his feelings and interest for me hidden, he’s either not interested or he is too tentative – and for me, neither one will do because I know that a good relationship needs expressions of affection and a lot of honesty.

  5. Kate Ferguson Writes

    My boyfriend is definitely a sugar-coater but luckily I can see through it.. I think it’s an issue of empathy, rather than of gender. Male tact is under-rated I think.

  6. robfreund

    Maybe the question should be, who gives dating advice better? It seems like at one time or another, both styles of advice giving should be used. When Mr. Salsa isn’t just that into you, then yeah, why not be direct about cutting it off? However, if you’re in a relationship with someone and the “manly” tendency is to say “end it now!” the better advice might be the girlfriend that says “yes, but.” In my perspective, I as a guy should be able to adjust my style to incorporate both the “do it nows” with the “yes buts.”

  7. aka gringita

    Totally depends on what kind of friends your friends are.

    My girlfriends who are real friends? They will totally tell me the truth. Gently, yes, occasionally subtly… which gives me the option to hear them or not. But they WILL tell the truth.

    I do not bother asking the advice of girlfriends who are not also good friends. I call these people “acquaintances” at best. (But then, I am also a “just a few friends who are utterly true” kind of person, versus a “many many friends of varying depths” kind of person.)

    Guy friends – the ones who are real, true, guyfriends – will also tell the truth, and probably a little more harshly (forcing me to *really hear it* if I’d be otherwise disinclined to hear what my girlfriends are laying down). Guy friends who have ulterior motives? Totally untrustworthy, because all’s fair in love and war and trying to get into a girl’s pants is (apparently) both. 😉

    Which does not necessarily make them wrong. Just untrustworthy on the issue.

  8. Debbie

    My best advice on relationships is my fabulous gay male friend. He can see things from a male perspctive, but with a touch of the female thrown in there. Ladies…find yourself a gay best friend and all will be right in your world!


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