After a week in the Middle of Nowhere (Hooper’s Island, MD), I’m finally returning to civilization. As I mentioned on Monday, my next date will be my fiftieth. The way I see it, my big Five-Oh ought to be monumental because I’m tired of these lame Center City rendezvous in which I’m left to pay for my own drink, buy my own dinner (ice cream) and make my own way home, all the while wondering was that a date or did I miss something?
To this end, I’ve been re-writing all of my online dating profiles. (I keep trying to delete my Plenty of Fish account, by the way, because aside from My Three O’Clock, the “fish” are just creepy. But P of F, evidently, is the Hotel California of dating sites: you can check in any time you like but you can never leave! If anyone knows the secret to permanently deleting your account, I’d be much obliged.)
Earlier this week, one of my readers asked if I’d post my new-improved-profiles for everyone’s “viewing pleasure.” I haven’t quite finished but I decided to share my old Match.com profile for your Saturday morning amusement in the meantime.
I should probably tell you…
1. I’m left handed.
2. I’ve recently completed what is quite possibly the most useless (and yet intriguing) MA known to man: dance anthropology. And because I’ve always made sensible choices in terms of my education, I also hold a BA in dance and history with a minor in historic preservation.
3. I wasn’t allowed to date until I was sixteen but my parents let me backpack through Europe by myself a year later. Go figure.
4. I’m a bit of an anglophile and have spent the better part of my adult life in either Oxford or London (which is why I’ve joined match.com. I figure even if I don’t fall in love as a result of these online shenanigans, I’ll at least fall in love with Philadelphia).
5. I’m currently going through what I’ve decided to call my “starving artist” phase, which means I am teaching dance and doing freelance magazine work in order to finance my greater literary aspirations. Long term, in addition to the whole bestselling author thing, I plan to complete my PhD in either dance or history and teach (you’ll never guess!) dance history.
6. I used to be a professional tap dancer and I still jam on occasion.
7. I know I should profess to hate Starbucks and Steven Starr but until I find a dark berry mocha iced latte in this country (as far as I’m aware they’re only available in the UK) or a better prosciutto and arugula pizza, I’m stuck.
8. Things that make me cry include Jane Austen films (I’m not nearly as sarcastic and cynical as this profile would suggest), the opening ceremonies of the Olympics (something about all those people smiling and waving flags instead of say, machine guns, gets me every time) and sappy Pillsbury commercials, especially the Christmas ones.
9. Things that make me smile include pugs, espresso martinis, high heels, men who know how to dress well but don’t always feel the need to do so, stamps in my passport, airports, thunderstorms, Florence, maps, long walks, chocolate, sleeping beneath the stars, boxed wine, non-boxed wine, baroque costumes, architectural history and trying to come up with cool gangsta rapper names for myself.
10. Finally, I write a blog called “After I Quit My Day Job.” If you’re not completely turned off by the above, drop me a line (because if you’ve made it this far, I’m sure I’d love to hear from you).
(See? I would totally date me.)