Writing left handed

Neither Girlfriend nor Facebook Friend

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I’m sitting at my desk, snacking on raw almonds and thinking “Hmm, these nuts are rather nice without chocolate, actually” when my phone rings.  It’s a text from my friend Marisa: You have a boyfriend???

Marisa lives in LA.  This means that Wednesday’s misunderstanding, as promulgated by my unfortunate use of the word “girlfriend,” has gone bi-coastal.

Great, I find myself thinking, just great.  Before I know Date #17 himself will get wind of it, and then there’ll be no convincing him to join me for the annual Hooper’s Island Black Friday Martini Bar Soiree.

“Read the rest of the post,” I text back.  You know, the part where I explain that I took artistic liberties with the “girlfriend” portion of Wednesday’s title?

As much as I’d like to be Date #17’s girlfriend, and as much as I suspect the feeling’s mutual, we’re so not there yet.

In this digital day and age, there are certain things one must do before taking one’s relationship(s) to the next level.  I am referring, of course, to the obligatory Pre-Dating Facebook Profile Purge.  I have yet to “Friend” or be “Friended” by Date #17 but when the time comes I can’t have him thinking that I still listen to Daddy Yankee or Usher (or that I dance around to Jason Derulo while getting reading to go out, usually half naked).

Hence the need to purge (and I know for a fact that I’m not the only person who does this).

Date #17 took me to see The Social Network last weekend and there’s nothing like a two-hour film about Facebook to point out the obvious flaws in one’s profile.  For example, given Date #17’s attitude towards snacking, I probably shouldn’t list the consumption of chocolate amongst my “interests.”  And I should probably un-tag a few of those grad school photos… my Facebook pictures would suggest that I spent the entirety of my course in London posing— rather provocatively— on various forms of mass transit (busses, tubes, trains, planes, etc. as illustrated in my photo in the “About Kat” section of this blog).  Obviously this was not the case.  I also hosted fondu parties, and went to nightclubs too.

If the entire point of Facebook is to construct an online profile that’s slightly cooler than the real thing, then the Facebook purge is needed to maintain the charade.  According to my Friday night pre-teen tap students, old-school Usher is cool again (and I am cool by extension because I actually own Confessions) but I’m not sure how Date #17 will feel about my musical tastes.  I know for a fact that he admires me for my intelligence (“Your nerdiness is really sexy, Kat”) so I’ll leave the Vivaldi listed under my “music interests” and the Dorantes (for which I’ll definitely get major “culture” points because no one has heard of Dorantes; he’s an obscure flamenco pianist who’s music I decided while studying in Spain nearly a decade ago).  But the Usher, methinks, has got to go.

I’ve already found Date #17’s profile page and since his security settings are rather low, I’ve ascertained the following: he is in fact single (which I had presumed all along, but it never hurts to confirm that one’s purported online status matches one’s other purported online status, by which I mean that Facebook profiles and Match.com profiles ought to both read “single” until the girlfriend-to-be is notified, preferably in writing, or in chocolate, or in writing in chocolate).

Also, he posts on his wall more often than other people post on his wall, which is good because I tend to get a little anxious when I come across other chicks staking their claim; girls on Facebook are worse than dogs peeing on fire hydrants when it comes to marking their turf (and this is why I’ve not yet posted anything on Date #17’s wall).

Finally, as most importantly, my little recognizance mission has revealed that I have more Facebook friends than Date #17.  This is extremely comforting because in real life, at least as far as Philadelphia is concerned, Date #17 has way more friends than I do; my evident online popularity, however virtual, serves to redress this imbalance.

For now, despite the confusion caused by Wednesday’s post, our respective statuses remain at “single” (or rather his remains at “single;” mine remains at mysterious and unattainable, by which I mean it’s unlisted).  I have rather strong feelings about listing relationship statuses online—a fact which my last boyfriend found out the hard way— but before I tell that story, I’d like to pose a question: what are your thoughts about going official via Facebook?  Tasteful or tacky?

(And to Marisa and the rest of my girlfriends out there: rest assured.  If and when I consent to becoming somebody’s girlfriend—or indeed a certain somebody’s girlfriend— you’ll be the first to know!  Probably because I’ll call/text/email you in hysterics to solicit your opinion on my latest wardrobe crisis…)

9 Responses to “Neither Girlfriend nor Facebook Friend”

  1. sarahnsh

    I have a way to bypass all this thinking about it, what to do, whether to post on the wall, how to stalk them, how long to stalk them, ect.

    I don’t have a Facebook.

    I’m not planning to get a Facebook. I don’t need to stay in contact with anyone. My mom has Facebook, if she finds out something through that social network she will immediately call me and update me with her Facebook stalking. I do know that the man updated his status 1, 2, 3, to say he was in a relationship with me, and my mom soon afterwards friended him to spy on him.

    • Kat Richter

      WOW! And I thought MY mom was over the top with her google stalking tendencies 🙂 Facebook does add an entire extra level of unnecessary angst to dating but I’m afraid its a necessary evil in my case.

      • Landlord

        Who ME??? I don’t stalk w/out getting permission 😉 I have standards ya know!

  2. wordofsoia

    Im not a big fan of the relationship status on Facecrack – Yes Facecrack ecause it can get addictive.
    My last relationship we never posted that we were together in a relationship. I put I was in a relationship – but it didnt say that it was with him. Going back im thinking maybe I should have then it would have been all up o his page and i wouldnt have had to deal with the fact that he cheated on me and told me the chick had no idea. She had facebook ( I stalked her) and must have seen his profile on numerous occasions, along with the fact she posted an event on her page telling everyone they were running away together to Sydney.

    ANyway getting off the track. I changed my status back to single. 8 people liked it. I was not amused. Not it says nothing. Well im going tfor the whole mystery look as you are 🙂

    • Kat Richter

      Yikes! I think the mystery look is where it’s at, then you don’t have to endure all of the “Oh no! What happened?” comments when you change your status back to single, or, even worse, the “What??? You’re engaged? Why didn’t you tell me!” when you upgrade.

  3. Brazilian

    Being asked to go steady via FB, I think, is tacky, it would be much more appropriate via chocolate. Good luck!!

  4. jswesner

    I find it tasteless. If one actually has to put it on facebook to legitimize it…gross!!!!
    Just leave all of the ridiculous things about yourself. You want him to actually like you. 🙂

  5. Greek n Blonde

    Two years ago we changed our status in facebook. But I actually did that because I was afraid of facebook and I admit it now that I don’t give a damn about it. I now find it tacky so go officialize with lots of writting and chocolate.
    So, to understand what’s going on with date#17? You really like this guy or what?


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