Stupid Sally Wins a Prize

I never thought the day would come when I found myself actually grateful to Stupid Sally.  For those of you just tuning in, Stupid Sally is somewhat of a regular customer at The Shop.  Her favorite hobby (in addition to scrapbooking, of course) is pummeling hapless sales associates with annoying questions just as they’re about to start their lunch breaks.

Sometimes, Stupid Sally leaches onto one of the male associates.  She asks him to help her in the baby shower aisle and then, since she’s on the look out for a Baby Daddy, she says, “Damn Boy!  You is fine!

Sometimes Stupid Sally marches right up to Reggie #1 with approximately seven offspring dangling from her various limbs.  She demands, “Where are you Silly Bands?” and I point out, with my greatest Superior Customer Service smile, that they are right in front of her.  If I’m having a good day (which isn’t very often), I even resist the urge to state the obvious when she complains, “These things are such a waste of money!”  (The obvious being: Yes, you’re right.  They are a waste of money.  And if you feel that way, stick it to The Man Stupid Sally!  Stand up to your bratty children!  Introduce them to the idea of financial responsibility here and now, before they grow up into SUV-demanding teenagers.  In other words, Stupid Sally, don’t buy the Silly Bands).

Sometimes Stupid Sally even accosts the managers, and for this story I must credit Head Boss and Good Cop (both of whom are actually very funny people when they’re not driving me to drink with their mandates from Corporate).

Stupid Sally: Miss, ya’ll got magellan toollie?

Head Boss: I’m sorry?

Stupid Sally: Magellan toollie.

Head Boss:  I’m sorry ma’am, but I’ve never heard of “magellen toollie”

Stupid Sally: You know,  magellan toolie?  For my wettin!  My colors is white and magellen.

Good Cop: [to head Boss] I think she means “magenta tulle.”  For her wedding.

Stupid Sally: Yeah, that’s what I said!  Magellan toolie for my wettin!

But this past weekend, Stupid Sally did me proud.  I entered a story in the Philadelphia Writer’s Conference Short Fiction Contest and “Monday Morning at The Shop” ( came in second place.  Too bad it wasn’t actually, well, fiction

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