All posts tagged: arts and crafts

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Throwback Thursday: A Holy Headache

Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break from all this happily-ever-after talk for some good old fashioned snark.  By which of course I’m referring to my days as a Sales Associate at The Shop.  Enjoy.  (And afterwards, you can snigger to yourself about the fact that I now own a house in South Philly and that the banners described below are now a regular feature on my block.) It’s Holy Communion season in South Philadelphia. This means that in addition to the usual births and deaths memorialized in the South Philly Review, the paper now features page after page of congratulations to “Our little Adrianna,” “Our blessed Anthony” and “Our angel, Tony Jr.” Before the matrons of South Philadelphia can replace their light-up shamrocks, Easter eggs, and Memorial Day flags with sparkly First Communion garlands, however, their darling candidates must construct the requisite First Holy Communion banner. I know all of this not because I’m Catholic but because I work at The Shop.  Last month, I was just getting ready for my lunch break when …

green furn

The Great Easter Decor Dilemma

My block is really into decorating. Like really. I’ll all for a nice color-coordinated interior design scheme (last week, for example, I managed to find a chair cover that was an exact match to the couch cover I bought six months ago and I spent the rest of the evening congratulating myself) but I don’t really feel the need to commemorate every single American holiday. My neighbors, however, do. And peer pressure is, I’m pretty sure, second in strength only to the pull of gravity. Or the Coriolis effect. (Side note: I only remember two things from high school science [Other side note: I managed to skip science all together in college so high school science is as far as I got]. Those two things were the Coriolis effect and the Capillary effect. I’ve found that most science clues on Jeopardy can be answered by one of these two terms. You should try it the next time you’re watching, or just slip them into your next cocktail party conversation if you want to sound smart.) …

Rainbow Ribbon

Throwback Thursday: An Almost Good Day at The Shop

The following little relic comes from 2010, aka The Dark Ages when I still working at The Shop. I figured it was a good choice for today’s Throwback Thursday post because I was so damn miserable (and I am currently so damn HAPPY that I’m afraid I might put you all off with my constant giddiness).  So, if you’re looking for a good dose of snark to accompany your morning coffee, here you go! Today was a very, very close call.  For a few minutes— actually a few hours— I didn’t hate my job.  I found myself thinking, “Well now, this isn’t so bad.  I can handle retail for another few months.”  Fortunately, a Problem Customer entered my wake not soon thereafter, thereby providing the proverbial smack upside the head I needed to reignite my wrath towards the retail industry.  But still, it was a close call.  Too close for comfort. What happened is this: as a Sales Associate promoted to Front End Specialist and Cash Office Nazi, I’ve been reprieved of my duties on …

Film "The Great Escape" 1963

Running the Gauntlet

I came across my old name tag from my days at The Shop while I was emptying one of my desk drawers the other day. My first thought was to throw the damn thing out but I decided to keep it. Why? To remind myself that no matter how bad things might get, they will never be as bad as when I wasted 6 months of my life as Front End Specialist at South Philly’s finest arts and crafts establishment. I’m working on a new project.  It’s called “How to Avoid Customers While Walking to the Break Room” and before you ask, this is harder than it sounds.  Corporate conspires to make our lives as miserable as possible—in fact, they probably have strategic planning sessions and business development retreats for this very purpose— and they really outdid themselves with the layout of The Shop. The bathrooms, the break room and the time clock, you see, are in three separate locations.  This means you have to go into the office, punch out on the time clock …

gg63351889

Throwback Thursday: Happily Never After

Here is the sad, sad conclusion to last week’s post about Corporate’s visit to The Shop.  I am going to go put the finishing touches on tonight’s lecture notes now.  Thank God. At exactly 11:13am on Thursday morning, The Shop’s corporate cavalcade rolled into the parking lot.  “The mother ship has landed!” I hissed into my headset.  As The Shop’s Front End Specialist, I was on look out duty, and even though I devote a substantial portion of each day to hating my job, I took this role very seriously. I had spent all morning thinking of cool things to say into the headset, lest The Shop’s corporate investors catch us unaware.  My luck, they would arrive just as one of the other cashiers was picking her nose, and this would set into effect a great chain of Unfortunate Events.  The corporate investors would be appalled by the nose-picking cashier, and threaten to withdraw their financial support from the company.  They would complain to the Head Head Boss, who would place the blame on Head …

corptraining

Throwback Thursday: Of Daydreams and Die Cut Machines

I kind of want to smack myself when I read old posts from my days at The Shop.  Partially for my own snarkiness (I’m pretty sure I gave myself a permanent case of scoliosis from carrying such an enormous chip on my shoulder) and partially for the fact that I spent as long as I did there.  The post I’ve selected for today’s Throwback Thursday, however, doesn’t make me want to smack myself.  It actually makes me smile a bit.  If you’ve ever found yourself saved by a good book while working a dead end job, you’ll understand.   Tomorrow is going to be a big day at The Shop.  Corporate is coming.  As so are the company’s investors, which means that the future of The Shop (and all Associated Shops) lies in our hands.  At least, that is what Head Boss told me, which would explain why we’re no longer having friendly conversations about the perils of online dating.  In fact, Head Boss has outlawed friendly conversations of any kind.  Given that her boss, …

Bedazzled umbrella

You Can’t Stand Under My Umbrella, its BROKEN!

With just a few days till my final student recitals of the year, it’s time to put the finishing touches on all of their pieces before they hit the stage.  It’s time to practice without the mirror.  It’s time to get those extra accessories and rhinestones glued into place.  It’s time for every entrance to be polished, every exit to be spot on.  It is not—I repeat NOT—time for the props to start spontaneously combusting… And yet combusting they are. Admittedly, last week’s umbrella disaster wasn’t exactly spontaneous.  It happened when one of my graduating seniors realized she was spinning her umbrella in the wrong direction and tried to switch back too quickly. The main shaft cracked and when I tried to tape it back together again, it fell apart leaving me with half an umbrella in one hand and the handle, plus two or three inches of umbrella shaft, in the other. It would have been okay if this had been the first umbrella disaster of the season—or even the first umbrella disaster of …

make your own business cards

The Idiot’s Guide to Making Your Own Business Cards

Seeing as the entire point of my trip to Colorado for the TBEX conference was to network, it kind of sucked when I ran out of business cards on Friday night. Actually, it really sucked.  The conference hadn’t even started yet!  And yet there I was, on the top of a mountain with nary a Staples in sight.  To make matters worse, I hate networking.  Most people think I’m a natural extrovert but the truth of the matter is, I’m painfully shy and there’s nothing that frightens me more than entering a room full of people I don’t know and having to introduce myself. I realized I had two choices.  I could be that lame-o who walks around ripping pages out of a notebook scribbling her info as she mutters her apologies.  Or I could make a statement.  And make my own cards. I opted for the latter. Unfortunately, as lovely as my room was at Vail Resorts, it wasn’t equipped with a craft room.  And I hadn’t brought any scissors with me, let alone …